“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” (George Carlin)

And so, dear listener, by special request, I, Skippy, have taken over command of this week’s blog….and because jt850 is down in Tennent’s in Byres Road again; this time with the rainforestriverman but more of that later…….but the special request was special. 🙂

Because, cobber, this is the only time this blog can ever be called truly entertaining; it’s the Christmas cracker edition of the blog. It’s got jokes like,

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

You can use these with young children and grandchildren. 🙂

Jt850 lives alone – I don’t know if he’s ever told you – and you can see it sometimes. He’ll have made a superb meal of toasted cheese for a friend but still feels the need to get up whilst it’s being eaten and steep the grill pan…….but there’s the serious matter of phoning in sick. It always sounds more truthful when there is someone to do it for you, but on one occasion, in my BBC days, it did confirm a rumour. 😉

What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?

Stick with me and we’ll go places.

And it’s really nice to see him writing all these Christmas cards, but I do wonder who they go to. Apparently, he bumped into e in Morrisons the other day and she said that Holly the Dog wanted to thank him for her card. And another ‘apparently’ is that e had a sheep outfit in her trolley. I don’t like to ask, but I do wonder, cobbers, about his friends. 😀 😀 😀

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent Calendars these days?

Because their days are numbered.

And then there’s J, the blog’s favest philosopher, who has a strange taste for a male Canadian crooner, who, thankfully, doesn’t seem to be available in the rainforest…….but who made jt’s Christmas shopping a lot easier and did wonders for Waterstones’ profits. (The one in Byres Road, downstairs, just up from the Hanoi Bike Shop, is pretty good as well)

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Tinsilitis.

(Oh, and whilst I remember, mega-thanks to Telegraph Newspapers’ media executive Murdo Maclennan who devised all these gags and gave me, kinda, permission to use them…kinda)

And jt tells me we’re just four months away from the biggest United Nations debate on drugs for nearly two decades. This is a vital moment to shift the approach to one grounded in health, compassion and human rights, rather than criminalising people for absolutely no good reason at all. No doubt, jt will keep you posted. 🙂

And he says it’s this kinda thing that makes him talk about anniversaries, which is taken from the world of Alcoholics Anonymous. It’s about drawing people’s attention to something that’s a lot more simple than the soaps and Ray Milland’s Lost Weekend would have us believe. If I were of the Fellowship I’d have got a cake.

Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?

Cos he’d a low ‘elf’ esteem

But he has a great deal of admiration for some folk who’ve come in for a lot of stick this year. Call handlers. This last week, professionally, he has had to make use of 101, 111 and ultimately 999 on two occasions and they were brilliant. As they were on a personal basis nine years ago.

But it was interesting for jt last Saturday morning, standing in the laundry room of the project with its view over Sauchiehall Street, trying to explain to refugees (Muslim and Christian from Africa) what an Orange Walk, which took twenty-five minutes to go past, is all about. Once upon a time it may have been a radical Christian thing celebrating a victory which relied a lot on revolutionary and guerilla (sp) tactics. But now?

‘We’re up to our knees in Fenian blood……’.

They do a lot for charity.

Actually Saturday turned out to be a jolly interesting day.

What do you get if cross a Santa with a duck?

A Christmas quacker

And some interesting reaction to last week’s show. jt says he does not see himself as a victim. After all, he chose the alcohol. It did not choose him. Nor did he choose Charles Moore’s Vol 2 of his biography of Margaret Thatcher (and thanks j for the suggestion, but I don’t think he will read it in her voice), but it may get re-wrapped and passed on to someone who does not read the blog.

But next week’s blog is worth listening to (especially for you Uni-Sharon) when the annual Personality of the Year Awards are handed out. 🙂 but the actual award itself never goes to a person.

What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?

The elf-abet.

And finally, cos of reasons of illness and pestilence within the t850 family, this Christmas Day will be slightly different and maybe quieter, but the indirect beauty of that is that Christmas Pressie exchanges will take place earlier (maybe) in the week and I now (ooooooops) and jt now has at least two Christmas Nights Out or even days out to look forward to next year…..…how many have you?

The day itself will see him read Neil Gaiman all day and listen to Brandi Carlile, the Dixie Chicks, Steve Earle and Walk the Moon and he won’t miss eating chocolate or turkey or drinking dry sherry…..or, late news just in, he may be going for a long walk in good company. 🙂

What did Adam say to his wife the day before Christmas?

It’s Christmas, Eve.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Last year ended for jt with a great deal of optimism for the future. That disappeared in the first half of the year. 😦 It has returned. Many reasons. 🙂

This is Johnny Cash having an At Home. I hope all of yours turned out as dead good (and there is nothing wrong in the way Charlie Nicholas speaks. It is a form of lallans and to see it any other way is unjustified snobbishness) as Johnny’s but maybe with a wee bit more enthusiasm……

Have a great time and a Merry Christmas and remember it ain’t Christmas without Christ.

Cya, keeping it simple and where there’s tea, there’s hope.

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