I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies (Craig Ferguson, who I used to know as Bing Hitler a long time ago)

And so dear listener, it started like many another Saturday. Except these days I’m not getting to the football that much. Partick Thistle are such a big club that the away matches are all ticket and I’m just not that organised.

There was some textual intercourse with the good Dr W. (Skippy, am I allowed to say that?).

Y’know the kind thing – ‘You going to be a zombie tonight?’ ‘Dunno. You?’ ‘Dunno.’ – and so uncertain as to what was happening I travelled out to Zombie HQ (M & D’s Theme Park at Strathclyde Park) thinking I’ll meet W in the car park and we can discuss what’s happening.

I arrived at the car park to be told, ‘Can’t get in, mate, there’s a Drive In movie tonight’ to which I replied, ‘But I’m a zombie,’…….’just park over there, mate,….you’ll be fine.’ And I was in. My fate had been decided. 😀

I went to the haunt, made up and got dressed. (I should point out that I had not fallen out with anyone and was not naked. I was adorned with latex and greasepaint and given scrubs to wear). W arrived a wee bit later. She had done her own make up which was smudged by a professional; she was wearing a strait-jacket (oh be still my beating heart); and her hair was at a Johnt angle. (say it out loud)

Very kindly we were assigned to the padded cell area together. And we both received injuries.

One of my tasks was to lean through an open window overlooking a dark corridor full of smoke. They’d had a scream already but this was their first test. I had to lean out and touch the heads of the punters and to the very tall women I touched as well, slightly inappropriately, can I say….tee-hee-hee…… 😉

All went well until one man (a grown older man) decided to pull me thru with a very strong grasp. He did enuff to scratch my arms badly and to make me bang my ribs…..W was pushed by a very strong wee boy into a wooden barrier and hurt her back……that was the downside. 😦

The upside was all the other paying punters. Basically it was £10 per head to hear about how some experiments had gone wrong and those being experimented upon had broken out – us – the Living Dead. 🙂

It was fun. Even the nerds who came in determined not to be afraid were a good laff. Listen up, cretins, we weren’t real. You were not proving yourself to anyone. You wasted £10.

Two faves. One was the woman who came in to the padded cell area crying out, Oh My God, Don’t Touch Me, Oh My God, Don’t Touch Me, Oh My God, Don’t Touch Me so I didn’t. Instead I leered at her all the way thru the padded cell and was there to meet her again in the autopsy room where I continued leering and all she could say was Oh My God, Don’t Touch Me, Oh My God, Don’t Touch Me, Oh My God, Don’t Touch Me.

And the other was another young lady who I happened to be leering at when I heard one of her friends say, ‘he’s taken a fancy to you, Bethany.’ I made it quickly thru to the autopsy room and when she came in I just looked at her and said ‘Beth——an—–nee, Beth—–an—nee’. She ran. Into the cages.

W made the point that a murder could have been carried out in almost perfect circumstances and she should know (No. No comment) and I thought we could invent Zombie Cluedo…but it would always be the zombie that done it.

There were guys who hid behind their women, clutching them and swinging them around as protection and, and, and oh so much more. We started at the back of six and finished just before midnight. At least me and W did. Remember the Drive In? It was about to start and W and I walked in front of it as I searched for my car and she went home; I found it by the simple expedient of pointing my key in all 360 degrees until it pinged. The remaining zombies were girding their loins. There was fresh blood in the car park. 🙂

For me the adventure was not over. I was let out the special zombie gate by the stewards and headed towards Glasgow – with my make-up still on. Terrified in case I was stopped. And I almost was. Just where the Garscube Road joins the Maryhill Road there was a major police incident (dangerous building?) and I turned my head away (as you do when you’ve maybe had a drink but in my case the last one I had was just under eight years ago). I drove past. I didn’t go into any food takeaways on the way home but I might have been okay with a fillet o’ fish from Maccy D’s Drive Thru – the clown on a bad trip.

I texted W to say I was Home Safe – my hand was shaking so much I managed just the first two letters – I’ve been apologising ever since – and I washed off the latex and make-up. And fell asleep about 2.30 and awoke the next morning ‘bout 7. I showered and it was like rivers of blood running down the plughole. A brilliant experience.

It’s the zombie night out this Friday – smart but casual zombies

Cya, keep(ing) it fun and still wearing that badge? No, but one woman did bit my neck.

Johnt850. Awaiting the next challenge, Dr W…….

A major big thanks goes to Mark and Katie who organised the whole thing. We were all volunteers doing something simply for the concept of fun. I/we only did a couple of runs and would love to have done more.

It was a smashing team effort with people I certainly didn’t know but came to trust. In the smoke and darkness. It’s really difficult to pay tribute to all involved without a speck of dust getting in my eye. Many thanks and keep us posted……and amazingly well done.

This is Roky Erikson – not lyrically his most challenging but maybe it could be our anthem?


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