They were coming. They came bigger. They wanted to come in. People screamed….’Brace the door! …I won’t let them get you!’ (The Oral History of the Zombie War)

And so dear listener, I am a real zombie. At weekends. In M & D’s Theme Park. Near Motherwell. And I park there. Not in the gay cottagers’ car park. Of recent memories. And it is there that the transformation takes place. But more of the detail later.

If you sense the hand of the good Dr W in this you would be right 😉

Listeners with a long memory may remember that she was one of the leading lights in the movie World War Z(eeeeee). At that time she was chased by zombies. The extras all lived in a big building just off George Square called the Bam Building and I’m told the persistent memory is the smell of Febreeze every morning.

(Incidentally those of you who query my pronunciation of Z and think it should be Z(eddddd) might be interested to know that I pronounce Viva as Veeeeeeeva, where everyone else says Veyeva. I reckon Elvis and the Dead Kennedys can’t be wrong)

Anyway, W said that there were rumblings in deepest Lanarkshire of the Living Dead and we should investigate. So we did and we met two normal looking people – who ‘auditioned’ us. I cannot say of what the audition consisted but I found new depths…we were accepted; we were in. 🙂

We came back that night. Kinda. We were inducted. It’s been a long time since anyone asked if I was allergic to latex and under very different circumstances. The blood was fair dripping. We were assigned our positions and we discussed our tactics. We were paired off. 🙂

It’s a pretty basic story (the parallels with Ebola are frightening but even more so in the book of the movie in that the first troops have just been assigned)….a scientist tries to reassure people in a hospital theatre that recent rumours about experiments are misleading but suddenly things go horribly wrong and I won’t give anything away……but people are told to leave and to leave quickly…..and there is a gauntlet to run.

I was part of that gauntlet. I seem to be quite a mild zombie until the cages. They were my place to roam. People are frightened in there……except for those nerds who refused to be frightened. Come on….go with the flow. We go easy with children but as the night progresses the drink is slightly flowing. I found myself strangely interested in young women…the initial pointed finger is followed through by charging after them down a corridor…their boyfriends doing little to protect them.

However, my fave was a guy. I got him at the start of the cage and he was frightened…’you bastard!’ he shouted. I gave him two seconds then I charged across the cage and leapt at him. ‘You f*cker!’ he shouted and ran. Into the arms of another zombie…..we ate pizza…it had chorizo sausage on it……I pretended not to notice.

All too soon it was all over. And the real thrill began.

As part of the transformation we had had to put on make-up but there was no way of taking it off. I had to drive home – wearing it. From M & Ds to t850 Towers is about 30 minutes altho’ I used to quote 40. I now know what lane to get into in both directions. Easy peasy, lemon squeazy……usually.

OMG! What if I were stopped? Sorry, officer, yes, I am a zombie but it’s wearing off and I am no longer one of the living dead but back to being one of the living. 😦

And as for nipping into the Bombay Mix (Indian Carry Out ..curries – kebabs – pizzas….1911 Maryhill Road, Glasgow) for a quick vegetable pakora?????? I thought not. I have seen some amazing sights in there in my time but a real zombie? No. I’d like to recommend the pizza box filled with chicken, veg and mushroom pakora, donner meat, chicken drumsticks, chips, salad and sauce, but being a non-meat eater I’ve never tried it……And you can get 10 inches for £6 and twelve inches for £8. No. I refuse to do that gag.

Anyway…back to my semi. In Summerston.

The make – up we wear to hide the real zombie features taking over can only be removed by picking off the latex and then washing the face with washing up liquid. My face is still recovering. And I’m doing at least two more but they’re on a different day of the week and I finish earlier. There are new neighbours across the road from me…….I do so wish they are awake when I get home. In fact I might just wander across and introduce myself and suggest they park in their driveway and not in the street. 😀

Cya, keep(ing) it fun and still wearing that badge? Not under these circumstances.

Johnt850 – a zombie in the style of a Barbary monkey and old skool running man.

There is no point in anything after all that, is there?

Here’s the piece of music I played a couple of weeks ago as a teaser……


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