And does your granny always tell you all the old songs were the best……?

Rather ironic given how often Slade’s ‘Merry Christmas Everyone’ gets played over the festive period…..but, given that soooo many Christmas records recently have been X factor winners, there are few coming to take its place.

Anyway let’s not think too long and hard about these things. This is the very special, and much awaited, Christmas Cracker Edition of the programme and Skippy and I have been combing the world (or the Daily Telegraph website) for some of the best. 🙂

Some amongst you will turn your noses up but I guarantee you will be using them yourselves over this festive time. :p

Q Why does no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?

A Because they are two deer………

And so some news about the Vampire Slayer. Her work seemingly done, she has announced her intent to travel abroad and save other people elsewhere and we wish her good luck and all our best. But her final words filled me with dread. She has seen the Evil One…hopefully just passing through. News like this I will not dwell on. Skippy, fire up the next gag.

Q What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?

A Twerky

But I have lapsed. No. Not alcohol. Altho’ it did come in the form of a six-pack. As you know I have been a lifelong pescetarian for well over three and a half years and eschew (great word) anything that is not fish or veg including wine gums and certain mints (gelatin bovine)…..well this week I bought, by mistake, Walker’s Deep Ridged Flame Grilled Steak crisps. And I ate them. Get thee behind me, Lineker.

Q What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?

A The One Show

I also made a mistake by adding cream instead of yogurt to ASDA own label muesli…….nice mistake……Skippy lapped it up as well. 😀

Q Why can’t you wash up at Christmas?

A Because the Fairy is on top of the tree.

Nice also to see during the week various ppl at Paisley Uny (wistful pause) including the man who helped so much with my Masterful dissertation who said there was no academic reason why I couldn’t do a PhD (academically) but expressed serious concern for the mental health of my possible supervisor. Some thinking may be thought but whilst talking to the very svelte uni-Sharon, I did admit I miss what I would describe as focussed reading…..mmmmmm……

See that Mary and Joseph…now they had a stable relationship.

And Missie K asked a very good question the other day. What kinda music did I listen to when I was, well, drinking? And tbh, I’m not really too sure but the MP3 player I found with no idea where it came from a couple of years after I cold-turkeyed has the Wu-Tung Clan on it……and, dear listener, I was taking my turn at a Hole-in-the Wall cash machine when I found myself singing their lyrics out loud….not a good move. Skippy was mortified. 😦

Q Why don’t you see Father Christmas in a hospital?

A Because he has private elf care.

Elsewhere I thought the two drugs mules in Peru could do with a Herbalife* weight loss plan but their nails were looking good; this month’s Favourite Sign of the Week was ‘Floor slippery when wet (obviously)’ ; and I hope you all have a very, very, merry Christmas. I caught up with a few folk in the last few days but with some others it will now need to be New Year – there are shifts to be worked

*other weight loss plans are available but Herbalife is the only one where I know a distributor.

And I like sending Christmas cards. To people’s home addresses if possible. People seem to get such a pleasant surprise when it happens. I even got texts saying thanks. For me it’s a way of saying I am still alive. And saying thanks to people who’ve helped me this year and with whom I many never have contact again. You can’t say that if you don’t send cards but ‘give to charity’ instead. Mine are from Cancer Research UK. I give them free publicity.

Q What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?

A He pulled a cracker.

And don’t forget next week’s Blog Personality of the Year Award…there’s still time for nominations and you don’t need to register and neither of Louis Walsh’s two faces are involved……however much he may have got carried away with the emulsion of it all.

And finally, my own favourite;

Q Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

A Because their days are numbered.

Cya, keep(ing) it fun and still wearing that badge? I’ve left it at home recently it’s too wet.

Johnt850, quietly pleased with himself and quite proud but never, ever arrogant. Hopefully.

And one serious moment if I may.

Sean Devenney of Clydebank admitted last week, in Perth Sheriff Court, to three charges of sex assault and one of an indecent act at T in the Park last year. The charges were found Not Proven. He claimed he was not responsible for his actions because he was under the influence of drugs (eccies) given to him by a complete stranger as he entered Balado.

The jury agreed with him. Hopefully this jury was an aberration and we are not returning to the bad old days of solicitors pleading ‘it wasn’t my client, m’lud…it was the drink’.

As we enter the time of year when drink (the deadliest of all the drugs) is consumed in vast quantities (often by rank amateurs) please stay safe out there. And stay responsible. In the correct and proper sense.

Here’s some Christmas cheer from the Waitresses. Does anyone know why these hyper-links are so long?

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=the+waitresses+christmas+wrapping+video&docid=4819654588302254&mid=5D8D411036A5811D852D5D8D411036A5811D852D&view=detail&FORM=VIRE5#view=detail&mid=5D8D411036A5811D852D5D8D411036A5811D852D

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