Archive for January, 2013

As a lass I speak for all. There’s nae a man, too wee nor tall, nor slightly built, who doesnae look fine when he’s wearing a kilt…so wear it men with passion and zest Knowin’ full well you’re looking your best (and my thanks to the lovely Kerry Mac for suggesting the quote)

January 25, 2013

And so, dear listener, I have lost yet another of my virginities. I have few left. And I would like to thank Son Brian, co-star of the Wedding of This and Any Other Year for his help in the losing of this one.

He brought me over a skirt to try on…..sorry, a kilt, and he did explain the difference. It’s a dark Paisley pattern…..,sorry, it’s the Black Watch Tartan. And I never did ask him about undergarments…will I need to go ‘Territorial Army’? After all with all the Government cuts, there soon won’t be any room for Commandoes. Kerrching!

Thank you. I’m here all week and the Sea Bass is lovely. 😀

No. I will wear a kilt and with pride. I have never worn one before. Some bootleg pix are already out there but I would stress that the jacket and waistcoat and kilt were all one size (?) too big. And I have never been a believer in One Size Fits All, but Never Say Never. It’s always an interesting challenge. I am happy to wear it and I look forward to finding out more about my role. Will I be required to give a speech? Will I start with the same gag that the rainforestriverman starts every one of his speeches? Y’know the one;

‘This is the third time this week I have given this talk. The first two were to Alcoholics Anonymous and Weightwatchers. If this is the third time you’ve heard this then you really do have my sympathies.’

He was best man at three weddings; all three couples are now divorced. Just sayin’, that’s all. I don’t think I’ll ever get married again. Yes, I know Skippy. I’m missing a very crucial item in that equation. Some things I like to keep hypothetical. Maybe I shouldn’t say Never Say Never. But good idea about the unicorn, btw, Dr W, it took me a second or two before the penny registered…..sorry, the thought dropped. 😛

Which brings me to uni-Sharon and the café we went to for a coffee which she described as ‘pish’ when she meant ‘posh’. See this predictive texting….it’s a real bigger, so it is. Sorry, begger……and that, dear txtrs amongst you, is why we have vowels.

The gingerbread cake was very nice but the sponge was a bit crumbly and yes, I did watch the last five minutes of the Great Masterbake Off. The one Kirsty Wark won. I have very pleasant memories of Kirsty on many a Saturday morning. Long time ago. 🙂

Which brings me to AJ, who as you know has started nursery but again he is entitled to privacy (but I am trying to get him to find out if that nice lady nursery teacher has a fella). However it is an area with one helluva lot of dog poo, and I was explaining to e the art of the radio phone-in when, if you wanted reaction, you talked about dogs and the mess they make, when what should be on TV that night but a new comedy prog out of BBC Scotland, where the fictitious character of Bob Servant attracts the ire of dog owners by threatening to shoot them……fiction reflecting truth.

And if you think this is me bigging up my mates in the Comedy Unit, then think again. It was in-house and showed promise.

And a quick word to e….Yes, those were bats, butterflies and brussel sprouts….next week we look at words beginning with the letter C.

And this week’s Hero of the Month is Prince Harry and for slightly unusual reasons. Y’see I couldn’t but help notice a news story about two sons who were not given any money by their father who had won the lottery and accused them of having ‘no balls’. The quote from the boys? ‘You don’t say that to two boys from Castlemilk – we ended up taking hammers to his two new 4×4 Shoguns…….we put two claw hammers through the windows of the car (and) we then reported ourselves to the police’……I really don’t think Paul Ferris has anything to worry about here. It’s about as effective as criticising someone’s freaking curtains.

But Harry…….he’s ‘paid to kill his grandmother’s enemies’. And does so. Now, that is tough. And with Kevin ‘The Gerbil’ shot dead in that ASDA car park and his natural successor, my car washerman, Fraggle Green, locked up for beating up a woman, the Daniels have a need for an enforcer. Applications to be sent to an address in Jordanhill.

And I do hope everyone in Beith has recovered from the fuel leak spill that caused homes and businesses to be evacuated during the week. No. No reason.

And did you know (No. No connection) that even my Alka-Seltzer is sold on the basis of added caffeine?……what if I took a cple of tabs there plus a cple of tabs of Pro-Plus. I mean I wouldn’t be actually drinking it, would I? Wonder what the effect would be? :-S

And finally, wondering what all the fuss was regarding ITV’s new Saturday night prog – Splash – I switched over to it only to see Gabby Logan standing next to a dripping wet and obviously freezing celeb (Tina Malone, yes that Tina Malone) only for Jo Brand to say she was worth 5…..I switched off again. It was degrading. 😦

Cya, keep(ing) it fun and still wearing that badge but where in the kilt do I stick it?

Johnt850, with just a hint of the great swordsman, Errol Flynn, about him.

And I was going to fill this serious bit with some stuff about where I stand with the Domination Degree but I’ve been called in for Tuesday morning for a chat with Supervisorman……the Essex Committee is still out……or something……you will be the first to know.

So many ppl have asked for a return to the mainstream music at this point so here’s the Foo Fighters with The Pretender…..maybe a bit of message still……but if you get the same ad at the start that I did, then skip it. Quick.

Ah well, a morning with weak coffee is still beaucoup better than a morning with no coffee (Terry Guillemets)

January 19, 2013

So I’ve cut back quite considerably and would describe the drinking as being under control; the change in medication is taking effect slowly; and I am sleeping better altho’, as has been pointed out, that might be as a result of ‘real work’.

Mind you, those of us who edit for part of our living feel we do do real work, albeit on our laptops in the comfort of our homes. 🙂

Mind you, the sleeping better might be because the Blackberry is now nightly re-charged in the back bedroom office complex and I don’t look at it in the middle of the night and then get worried cos I got a mail or txt after I’d fallen asleep and feel I should answer it – mostly business.

Mind you, is big with students from China, especially in Bristol and they tend to send things at 4 in the morning. And no, I won’t stereotype them. One thing this blog has always been big on. I don’t do stereotypes. Neither me nor the blog. 

Mind you, some things still worry me and keep me awake. Like, where is Jessica Hyde? And when the hell did Patsy Kensit go up three dress sizes so she had to go to Weightwatchers…or is it the Master Chef judge who went there? I still go for the ‘exercise (walking) and less food’ diet and the toning up I want to happen is beginning to happen. But maybe if I went to one of these things, I’d meet Patsy……. 😉

Mind you, it’s been a long time since I worked shifts and last Sunday’s 2.30 to 11 was a bit of a struggle in that last hour. And it showed when I drove home. I missed the right fork into Duke Street and ended up at the bottom end of the town when I wanted the top end. ‘Right fork’? That sounds like something out of a cowboy movie, Kemo sabe………  

Mind you, I currently have a wee bit of a professional ethical dilemma. But I can handle it. My trade is that of a journalist and I still pay my union dues and would argue that journalistic ethics are higher than (social) scientific ethics……….we’ve never force-fed illicit drugs into poor innocent mice. And don’t get me started on Pavlova. Dogs have voices and should be heard. Which is what the Domination Degree is about. But not dogs.

Mind you, the drunken sex scene in Utopia was hilarious – with its penis punchline. In a TV prog with so much ‘offensive’ language, the use of that word was brilliant. And, yes, I, too, have experienced………………. the agony of someone pulling my shirt over my head without unbuttoning it first – but never in a nuclear fallout shelter.   

Mind you, I may be about to have my own sartorial experience widened quite soon. I will be wearing a kilt at the Wedding of This and Any Other Year in June and I believe Son Brian and KT may be bringing one over soon time to explain it to me. I have never worn one before.

Mind you, part of the problem with shops like Blockbusters is that we have physically moved further and further away from the High Street (in my case Byres Road which was local when I worked in Queen Margaret Drive – leastways a building in Queen Margaret Drive – but now gets a visit bout once a week and never to rent a video, buy a camera and I’m worried bout Fopp). And to the man who recently looked at all the CDs I have and said, ‘it’s all downloads these days, John’…..when charity shops start selling second hand downloads then I’ll start buying them.

Mind you, this week’s Award for the Most Incongruous Opening Sentence of the Month goes to a woman I met on Wednesday who told me, ‘I was supposed to go to the Royal today to get half my bowel removed but I couldn’t be arsed.’……… (One of the wonders of this blog is the fact that I need make nothing up. I mean the stories that the multi-story car park of blessed memory next to my alma mater in Paisley could tell……. 😉 That’s maybe why they call it a  multi-story)

And my final Mind you, is about Lance Armstrong. A body builder but non-steroids user I know explained it all to me; growth hormones and draining blood from your own body and pumping it all back in and no trace being found after four hours. It’s a bit like Savile: how many people knew and how many turned a blind eye? And caffeine used to be banned by the IOC.

Mind you, it made such a difference to my own performance and my personal best.

Cya, keep(ing) it fun and still wearing that badge? Yes, but mind you, it could do with a clean.

Johnt850, called recently by someone I met in Shettleston as (the) ‘big man with the groovy hair’ 

Mind you, can I say something bout beefburgers? Other than the fact that one of the many street names that heroin has enjoyed over the years is horse (Tyler 1986)…..maybe more to those burgers than meets the eye. 🙂

As many listeners know about two and a half years ago I decided to become a lifelong Pescatarian but not for ethical reasons – indeed, at least one of them was morally dubious. But what set the seal on my decision to stop eating meat was one bright Summer’s day, when the rest of the PT fans had gone to Annan, I went to Yoker to watch Clydebank juniors take on Bellshill. It was the kinda day when the smell of the burger van was sooooooo enticing and the guy in front of me had bought one and I could see right inside it and could see all the bits of whatever, as well. That, as much as anything, put me off meat.

This is the then Agricutural MinisterJohn Selwyn Gummer force feeding his daughter Cordelia a burger and if you have evr read anything she has written, then you know the effect it had on her….the rest of the clip is about BSE……it’s not as funny.

It takes two to speak truth – one to speak and another to hear (Henry David Thoreau)

January 12, 2013

And so following my complaint last week of it all being too quiet, suddenly it’s got busy. As some of you know I’ve started to get relief shifts from a housing charity, I’m still doing some vol work down West Dunbartonshire way, the editing keeps coming in, and there’s a minor hiccup with the Domination Degree. Nothing too worrying at this stage. 🙂

So for those of you expecting an update on any fishing expeditions, then I’m sorry but that’s on hold.

Obvs the rules of confidentiality apply to a fair amount of the above, but suffice to say that I’ve had induction shifts and shadow shifts and I may be having my first proper relief shift even as we speak……and two of the projects I’ve been inducted to occupy the entire close (each) in Glasgow city centre, and as the newbie, every time someone had to go up the top floor for some reason, it was me. 😦

And I’ve had to take copious notes about where the keys and fire alarm are but can anyone explain this one to me;

Phone Sandy



Oh, and Kenny the shed pimp has been in laying tiles and having to replace hardboard before he could do that……I’ve been able to be out of the house most of the times he’s been working but there is this very strange feeling when you come home and his van’s still in the drive…..I just want ma house back…….and, dear listener, I have it back with awful nice slate tiling/laminate in the kitchen and porch…….good job, well done…… 🙂

So the last day or so has been catch-up in the house and with other ppl’s plans, including the good Doctor W, Missie K and so on……their plans; not so much them. RJ has had her jags; but I’ve not had mine cos I never made it to the ticket office for the Dumbarton v Partick Thistle game……The Vampire Slayer is very busy, saving the world and uni-Sharon?……..No. No idea just yet, Shazza, but maybe if you gave me a deadline?

Son Brian and KT are getting married later this year (Did I know that? Is it on a Post-It somewhere? And the ex-BBC man in me would like to say there are similar sticky backed notelets available, but the realist in me says they are all crap) and I believe  I may be wearing  a kilt at the wedding. Maybe I should get a tattoo on my inner thigh and go Commando.

‘Is anything worn underneath the kilt? No. It’s all in good working order’

My car heater is being strange in that settings 2 and 4 work erotically, but not 1 and 3……and I spotted a job on the Creative Scotland site which I quite fancied. Auditions are on the 16th Jan. Apparently, ‘a long form. Gothic vampire improve comedy troupe gigging regularly in Edinburgh and Glasgow is looking for actors……’ I thought the idea behind improv was to give yourself as wide a range of options as possible….And I tuned into some TV progs about Magaluf and gave up after the first bottle of vodka was poured into the alcohol pitcher. Why do people……, and then I think, why did I?

They’ll mature out of it (Winnick, 1962) but my alter ego immatured into it in his mid-thirties (t850 various). Happy Daze. 😀


And post-Savile, I note an MP calling for chaperones to avoid a future Savile ‘luring teenagers back to the dressing room’. How about chaperone common sense and then everyone back on the bus at the set time? Although I did once lose three boys in a playcheme in the Viewpark area cos they’d asked someone the time, and been given the wrong time, and they thought the bus had gone without them, so they phoned a mum (well one of their own mums) and she’d come and collected them – and nobody had told me………a frightening couple of hours…

So not much happening but after all the excitement of the Christmas edition, and the Personality of the Year Awards , and last week’s rant about obesity, I’m going to finish there and watch my new Chi Gong video…….tell you more bout that next week.

Cya, keep(ing) it fun and still wearing that badge? And why not, as Arnold Brown would say

Johnt850, friendzoned but ruthless

So I wasn’t going to say much here, but having stated publicly that I’m not that bothered about what theory of addiction you believe in and that I’d slap you across the face with a wet fish if that would help (I’ve no idea to whom I’m talking) I couldn’t help but notice that in Russia there’s a clinic which helps addicts deal with their issues by caning them ‘on the buttocks with a clear medical purpose. It is not’, said Professor Marina Chukhrova, ‘a warped sado-masochistic activity.’

I’m going to be doing some interesting keyword search in the library this week……or maybe I should ask one of those nice lady librarians to help me. 😉

And following the success (eh?) of Andy Stewart closing the show last week, this week’s closing number has been chosen by one of the Three degrees, winners of this year’s Blog Personality of the Year Award, Missie K. It’s Churches and Lies and it’s from the Art School last Summer. I have vague memories of the Art School End of the Year Exhibitions but then I think most people who went ended up with vague memories. Oh and watch out for the flashing lights…..then and now.

I’ve been getting lost searching my soul all around this town. I took a wrong turn and it’s freaking me out. Back at school it never made much sense. Now I pay but I can’t pay attention (Green Day)

January 5, 2013

God it was quiet…too damn quiet. It was the kinda quiet that makes you think some Zulu warriors are going to emerge from the undergrowth or that Thistle are going to get yet another man sent off and lose/draw the game…….but I’d done everything properly.

I’d sent Christmas cards and I don’t always look for cards back; presents were bought and wrapped and I don’t mind if ppl don’t read the carefully chosen words on the card; and it got off to a damn fine and excellent start a couple of weeks ago with hot chocolate with Missie K and finished nicely today with a Byres Road breakfast of baked eggs and toast and de-caff coffee.

Socially, other than the obvious days, Christmas was quiet. And of course last year’s was brilliant for so many reasons but there does come a time when things need to move on but some things can stay/re-emerge paltonic. It’s your call……Son Brian’s mum and I have been separated/divorced for well over twenty years but we will be two of the three parents on the groom’s side later this year and the third is an okay guy…… 🙂

I did, however, go a smashing Hogmanay family party (that’s smashing as they’re a smashing family and also  smashing party). There were four generations of the family there; from proud great grandparents all the way down to three month old Kiernan and Caitlin’s soon to be born babe. The drink of the night, for some, for some strange reason, seemed to be advocaat (sp?) and I said to a few folk ( who know my situation) that that was how I started. That’s what our parents gave us to drink on occasions. But the whisky bottle was also left out in the kitchen. Schoolboy error and I was that schoolboy.

So I don’t do resolutions; I do revolutions which I put on post-its or the cheap version which you get in ASDA and tomorrow night I may actually do something about them. They’re dead random.

List of coffee….since the 12th December I’ve had four coffees, two Red Bulls and one Pro-plus pill and whilst there are signs of improvement, there’s a long way to go.

Tattoo….ah yes….should I get one and if so, what? And where? I quite fancy a symbol of some sort that is maybe Mandarin for the word ‘recovery’ but I am open to suggestions. Upper arm.

And no Skippy, ‘Welcome to the Pleasure Dome’ anywhere on my body is not the kinda thing I’m thinking of.

Domination Degree….It’s been lying fallow but thanks to some inspiration from the Good Dr W, I’ve picked it up and am running with it again. Basically she showed me hers and I showed her mine. As you do.

My size….Now. This is the contentious one. I need to lose an inch off my waist and some loose skin off my face. No. I know I’m not fat but I’ve been eating badly and lacking exercise and it’s showing. So I am doing something about it. Walking primarily with a view to building up to the 5 x 3mins running that I was doing before I went to university and found lo……………….ts of things to do. It was exactly what I needed.

And what a week to think those thoughts in. It seemed to be obesity week on TV.

First, there seemed to be a school of thought that was suggesting that obesity was a disease or genetic and you could do nothing about it. Now, I have nothing against the ‘addiction as disease’ school of thought as long as it’s not used as an excuse/reason not to do anything…… me it’s about changing behaviour and the way you think….and if I thought slapping ppl in the face with a wet fish would help, then I would do that.

And there were digs against obese NHS staff as not being good role models for obese folk. In the various times I’ve been in hospital over the last few years the last thing on my mind has been the shape or form of the person helping. Or caring. Or saving my life. Or others.

And then the Labour Party were having a go at the food manufacturers for not telling us enough about what’s in the food they sell. ‘Those lying bastard food manufacturers! It’s cos of them I’m obese.’ Naw it’s not.

And then there was a plan to stop benefit payments from obese ppl if they didn’t go to the gym. In Westminster. How can this possibly be measured?

What about a campaign that says, ‘It’s your life. It’s your responsibility. Take it seriously. It doesn’t take much.’ And I know a few ppl who’ve made tremendous strides recently……. 🙂

#rantisover….sorry if I’ve offended anyone…….Moving on. Downstairs for a Twix Bar. 😦

So, and finally, I’ve run out of steam, and I think it’s cos it’s been a quiet week. Or two. Next week looks busier. And Thistle have not been doing too well recently. But full credit to them and the manager. They don’t stop trying. And taking on responsibility. Both as individuals. And as a team.

Cya, keep(ing) it fun and still wearing that badge? Yes, but it’s not a true reflection at the moment.

Johnt850, who will never ever be Skeletor but hopefully a wee bit less bulgy

For some time now, I’ve been aware of the fact that a lot of ppl don’t always look at the vid on offer at the end of this prog. Maybe they’re scared they’ll like some thing new and that should never happen, should it? Lol as Carmen would say.

So for them, here’s Still Game with Jack and Victor and Boaby the barman.

I’ll be back next week true to my usual self on concentrating in things I know about….

and here’s Andy Stewart