I wish you a hopeful Christmas, I wish you a brave New Year. All anguish pain and sadness, Leave your heart and let your road be clear.They said there’ll be snow at Christmas They said there’ll be peace on Earth. Hallelujah, Noel, Be it heaven or Hell, The Christmas we get we deserve.

First can I begin with an apology? If you received a strangely addressed envelope with an unsigned Cancer UK Christmas card inside, then it came from me. Well, so far there have been three reported sightings of such a beast. There may be more out there. Be careful of these beasts. And the opening lyric was from the greatest Christmas song of them all….memories of an amazing Christmas in a post-student flat in the West End of Glasgow many years ago.

Regular listeners will know that this will simply be a pot-pourri of Christmas cracker gags and stuff cos it’s that time of year.  When we kid on we worry about the homeless and the poor and human rights in strange parts of the world that end in -istan……..But that’s enuff sardonic satire in a post-modern ironical manner.

Q             What really annoys Santa this time of year?

A             The elf and safety officer. 

So, can I also say sorry to anyone who received a present from me with a Happy Birthday gift tag with the word ‘Birthday’ scored out and replaced by ‘Christmas’. I really thought I was well organised this year but Skippy has let me down badly. She usually preps these things for me but I blame the mulled wine (and seasonal warning…….many years ago, long before I had my own now well documented problems with alcohol, I went to a Scout Fair where Son Brian was helping out. There was nothing very good so I paid £1 for a plastic cup of mulled wine…….and dumped the car at the ASDA so well gone was I………or was I topping up? Be careful.)

Q             How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

A             Three. The right, the left and the final front ear.

But on the subject of alcohol can I say a mega thanks to all those who helped me ward off the demons last weekend? In particular, my friend and colleague, the gorgeous W, and the rainforestriverman who helped me concentrate on other things, as well as what seemed like millions of people on Facebook. To W, can I just say that sometimes the whole world seems like one giant paragraph in the middle of a Demus radio script and to the rrm, I know your role/roll in my life and it is much appreciated.

The demons did, however, have a good go later in the week. Luckily I can never remember dreams the next day but I know they tried. Really hard.

Q             What’s pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pyjamas?

A             Your mum

Oh, and following last week’s OMG Trampoline, Google (I can’t be ars*d finding the links) Bale Out, a brilliant mix by Revolucian (say that out loud…it’s brill) of Christian Bale’s hissy fit on the set of Terminator Salvation  and also Revolucian’s brill re-mix of Gerard Butler’s ‘This is Sparta’ speech in the same vein.

* It’s an ‘e’. When I say it’s an ‘e’ I don’t mean that the sole result of my attending a whole trimester at Drink’n’Drugs school in Paisley is that I can tell Tree ecstacy from Los Angeles, from Woody Woodpecker from Denver Colarado. No. The missing letter from ars*d is an ‘e’ but Es are good. 🙂 🙂 🙂

Oh and Google They’re Taking the Hobbits to Isengard……….What? No. I was looking over this guy’s shoulder in the school library. It was dead good what he was looking at. 😉

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Sir Terry

Sir Terry Who?

How quickly we forget, eh?

And a quick word to study buddie Fi……..I’ve never, ever, ever been issued with a verbal warning in the corridors of Kelvingrove Art Gallery before. Certainly not for that. And there are signs prohibiting it as well. Jeeez. Will I ever be able to show my face down Park Road again? Anyway, Jack was pretty cool. 🙂

And speaking of cool kids, to AJ and his mum, e, the lights on the tree may be off but that doesn’t mean there’s no-one in.

And to Son Brian, you were right about the record collection but it wasn’t the colour of the walls but the lack of lamps…oh, and my baubles……

Ow! I’ve just poked my eye! Damn…still, I will read pop up books about giraffes. And I’ve just read some alarming statistics which suggest that six out of seven dwarves are not happy. And a mate of mine is addicted to brake fluid. When I asked him about it, he said he could stop any time. And I felt sorry for the RAC man I saw yesterday.  He was in tears. He looked as if he was heading for a breakdown.

And if any of these ever, ever offend….tell me a good alkie gag and I’ll laff at it. Mind you I used all these jokes last week at separate motivational talks for Alcoholics Anonymous and Weightwatchers, so if this is the third time you’ve heard them, you have my sympathies.

So there will be a blogette next Christmas Day. It will be a pre-recorded pot-pourri of the best of the rest of the year. And on 1st January, at one o’clock there will be the Annual Blog Personality of the Year awards.

And finally my favourite, and possibly the most offensive of them all….

Q             What do you call a man suffering from Attention Deficit Order?

A             These are good crackers, aren’t they? Who brought them?

Cya, keep(ing) it fun and still wearing that badge? Yes. With tinsel.

Johnt850, nicely relaxed with no credit for any cards sent out……Ho ho ho……..Merry Christmas. 🙂

I met Jimmie Macgregor the other day, a brilliant broadcaster and raconteur with whom I worked for many years. I was never, ever, ever happy with the music policy for his programme but understood the reasons for it. One year, Rhona McLeod, now a sport broadcaster but once a researcher, and I slipped this in. Quietly. Enjoy


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