Archive for December, 2011

You’d better watch out, You’d better not cry, You’d better not pout, I’m telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town….YAY!

December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas to all my listeners and friends…or is it friends and listeners? Just a short festive message whilst you roast your nuts in front of a warm storage heater that’s been on the blink since last night. Lots of last minute rapping to do and ASDAs to invade at six o’clock in the morning for no apparent reason other than forgetting the fact that it’s only closed for one day and that one day is Sunday anyway. It faired spoiled my Saturday breakfast…….where did all these ppl come from? 😦

My own festive preparations are done. Two essays are finished for the school and the third is started; some paid work is done; all pressies are wrapped; my latest cancer check-up is okay; and I have been to see where I will be doing my thirty-three day placement next term/trimester.

I will say little about it other than it’s a community rehabilitation unit in the far East End of Glasgow and I’m really looking forward to it. It will be a challenge.

So keeping it brief can I say some things, like thanks to Sunny D down the ASDA (thinking of the card was enuff in itself); to e, c and AJ (there’s something about Saturdays, isn’t there?); to Stewarton Gary, what was the horse?; and to study buddie, Fi for all her help with CJS referencing (which must be the unlikeliest innuendo of all time, beating by miles ‘putty in your hands’)….the burds enjoyed the garlic bread btw 🙂

Next week sees the Blog Personality of the Year Awards and a wee bit more about my own thoughts but I won’t keep you long. It’s been a jolly interesting year which has seen me visit North Ayrshire and Straiton Park’n’Ride; the gay cottagers’ car park in Strathclyde Park and being an extra lesbian in Lip Service; various football grounds all over Scotland and continued my musical indulgence in house, techno and trance; and, I suppose the biggest event of them all………my new school in Paisley. Lots of new pals there, including one very special one……….I never knew studying could be so much fun, but will the barrista in QWERTY’s ever talk to me again?

Cya, keep (ing) it fun and still wearing that badge? Yes. ‘cos there is no reason why not. 🙂

Johnt850…happy to let sleeping dogs lie

If no-one has offended you so far, this will; oh, and Skippy says Merry Christmas to one and all as well……xx……she also says you may have to copy’n’paste this link but it’s fair dinkum when you get there……

I wish you a hopeful Christmas, I wish you a brave New Year. All anguish pain and sadness, Leave your heart and let your road be clear.They said there’ll be snow at Christmas They said there’ll be peace on Earth. Hallelujah, Noel, Be it heaven or Hell, The Christmas we get we deserve.

December 18, 2011

First can I begin with an apology? If you received a strangely addressed envelope with an unsigned Cancer UK Christmas card inside, then it came from me. Well, so far there have been three reported sightings of such a beast. There may be more out there. Be careful of these beasts. And the opening lyric was from the greatest Christmas song of them all….memories of an amazing Christmas in a post-student flat in the West End of Glasgow many years ago.

Regular listeners will know that this will simply be a pot-pourri of Christmas cracker gags and stuff cos it’s that time of year.  When we kid on we worry about the homeless and the poor and human rights in strange parts of the world that end in -istan……..But that’s enuff sardonic satire in a post-modern ironical manner.

Q             What really annoys Santa this time of year?

A             The elf and safety officer. 

So, can I also say sorry to anyone who received a present from me with a Happy Birthday gift tag with the word ‘Birthday’ scored out and replaced by ‘Christmas’. I really thought I was well organised this year but Skippy has let me down badly. She usually preps these things for me but I blame the mulled wine (and seasonal warning…….many years ago, long before I had my own now well documented problems with alcohol, I went to a Scout Fair where Son Brian was helping out. There was nothing very good so I paid £1 for a plastic cup of mulled wine…….and dumped the car at the ASDA so well gone was I………or was I topping up? Be careful.)

Q             How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

A             Three. The right, the left and the final front ear.

But on the subject of alcohol can I say a mega thanks to all those who helped me ward off the demons last weekend? In particular, my friend and colleague, the gorgeous W, and the rainforestriverman who helped me concentrate on other things, as well as what seemed like millions of people on Facebook. To W, can I just say that sometimes the whole world seems like one giant paragraph in the middle of a Demus radio script and to the rrm, I know your role/roll in my life and it is much appreciated.

The demons did, however, have a good go later in the week. Luckily I can never remember dreams the next day but I know they tried. Really hard.

Q             What’s pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pyjamas?

A             Your mum

Oh, and following last week’s OMG Trampoline, Google (I can’t be ars*d finding the links) Bale Out, a brilliant mix by Revolucian (say that out loud…it’s brill) of Christian Bale’s hissy fit on the set of Terminator Salvation  and also Revolucian’s brill re-mix of Gerard Butler’s ‘This is Sparta’ speech in the same vein.

* It’s an ‘e’. When I say it’s an ‘e’ I don’t mean that the sole result of my attending a whole trimester at Drink’n’Drugs school in Paisley is that I can tell Tree ecstacy from Los Angeles, from Woody Woodpecker from Denver Colarado. No. The missing letter from ars*d is an ‘e’ but Es are good. 🙂 🙂 🙂

Oh and Google They’re Taking the Hobbits to Isengard……….What? No. I was looking over this guy’s shoulder in the school library. It was dead good what he was looking at. 😉

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Sir Terry

Sir Terry Who?

How quickly we forget, eh?

And a quick word to study buddie Fi……..I’ve never, ever, ever been issued with a verbal warning in the corridors of Kelvingrove Art Gallery before. Certainly not for that. And there are signs prohibiting it as well. Jeeez. Will I ever be able to show my face down Park Road again? Anyway, Jack was pretty cool. 🙂

And speaking of cool kids, to AJ and his mum, e, the lights on the tree may be off but that doesn’t mean there’s no-one in.

And to Son Brian, you were right about the record collection but it wasn’t the colour of the walls but the lack of lamps…oh, and my baubles……

Ow! I’ve just poked my eye! Damn…still, I will read pop up books about giraffes. And I’ve just read some alarming statistics which suggest that six out of seven dwarves are not happy. And a mate of mine is addicted to brake fluid. When I asked him about it, he said he could stop any time. And I felt sorry for the RAC man I saw yesterday.  He was in tears. He looked as if he was heading for a breakdown.

And if any of these ever, ever offend….tell me a good alkie gag and I’ll laff at it. Mind you I used all these jokes last week at separate motivational talks for Alcoholics Anonymous and Weightwatchers, so if this is the third time you’ve heard them, you have my sympathies.

So there will be a blogette next Christmas Day. It will be a pre-recorded pot-pourri of the best of the rest of the year. And on 1st January, at one o’clock there will be the Annual Blog Personality of the Year awards.

And finally my favourite, and possibly the most offensive of them all….

Q             What do you call a man suffering from Attention Deficit Order?

A             These are good crackers, aren’t they? Who brought them?

Cya, keep(ing) it fun and still wearing that badge? Yes. With tinsel.

Johnt850, nicely relaxed with no credit for any cards sent out……Ho ho ho……..Merry Christmas. 🙂

I met Jimmie Macgregor the other day, a brilliant broadcaster and raconteur with whom I worked for many years. I was never, ever, ever happy with the music policy for his programme but understood the reasons for it. One year, Rhona McLeod, now a sport broadcaster but once a researcher, and I slipped this in. Quietly. Enjoy

there’s gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow ’cause tonight we’re gonna blow it all away Lord we feel so twisted we ain’t ever gonna fix it we’re just waiting on the light to shine on a brand new day…

December 11, 2011

And listeners who have been with me since Blog One should not worry about the Alabama 3 lyrics. For once this does not mean that I am going thru an anxiety/angst driven phase – yet again.  No. I am celebrating (?) five years of being ‘clean and clear’, ‘sober and substance free’ – five years since the demons came. And went away.

So it won’t be a big blog. Lots of things to think about.

Mind you, Christmas cards are done and posted, the Christmas Tree is up and some Christmas shopping has been done with the help of study buddie Fi – altho’ I am responsible for all pressies bought. 🙂

Naw. I will be contacting members of my amazing support team in various ways soon time. As a couple of folk know my biggest worry was getting thru this weekend. It’s the same with cancer. They reckon if you get thru five years then you’re fine. So one down, the other to go.*

* When I say ‘to go’, I don’t mean you get the all-clear from a Chinese takeaway shop and I should point out that many other nationalities sell food. Fast.

But I just want to highlight a few names – including obviously an amazing extended family. Others include Missie K, Blondie, the Vampire Slayer, gd frnd Clr and the blogmeister- Kenny the Shed Pimp, the rainforestriverman and BBC Al and Nick – the gorgeous W – AJ, his mum, e,  and his dad, c, – L frae Troon – and my latest school chums, including study buddie Fi – and if I’ve missed you out, it’s not cos you’re not in my thoughts. That’s one of the things about writing Christmas cards – you remember ppl.

Mega thanks. I can be a very difficult person at times but the patience you’ve all shown to me – and the kindness – has been immense. 😀

It’s also been weird writing about addiction as part of my uny Post Grad and can I say a big thanks to friend and colleague W, whose 80 thousand word PhD (quite a page turner) has helped bring me up to speed* in academic speech. She herself was recently awarded her PhD verbally which is fantastic. I am hoping for a standard grade in Drink’n’Drugs.

*And when I say ‘speed’ I obvioulsy don’t mean……..well actually it was a bit of a boost…..I’m just soooooo glad the schoool doesn’t have exams for us more experienced pupils. It’s a paragraph thang.

Actually someone asked me what you can actually see from the 3rd Floor North part of the school library cos they’d never actually been there, after my recently actually finding it and getting lost again. Tbh, all you can actually see from there is into a multi-storey car park and nothing interesting ever happens there. 😉

So this week’s Heroes of the Week? For ages I’d tried to work out what the graffiti was on the canal bridge over the Maryhill Road, just up from Tesco’s and past the big building that is the police station. Well, the traffic slowed and I read it.


You’ve just got to know the world of alcoholism and recovery to appreciate that. It was inspirational. Serioulsy. 😀

And to the female assistant in Homebase, Milngavie, I’m sorry but the lyrics of that Christmas song you had boomimg over the PA system was about a man considering suicide or over-dosing cos his boy/girlfriend* had left him. It was an observation, not a complaint.  In passing.

* And I’m not suggesting that the partner was a trannie. Or similar. Not that there’s anything wrong………

And a big well done to all those who helped us cope with Hurrican Bawbag as it’s now known in Wikipedia. STV Online, you played a blinder. Unofficially. Oh My God Trampoline follows but I can’t find the pic of the panda flying thru the Edinburgh sky.

And I’d like to thank Son Brian for some recent advice but was that not the kinda thing a father should say to his son, not vice versa……..?

And to some folk who I had hoped to meet up with before Christmas but a certain amount of unwellness has entered their family….take care and we will catch up.

Next week will be a pre-Christmas Special with lots of laughs. I promise. And paragraphs.

Cya, keep(ing) it fun and still wearing that badge? I get my inspiration in strange ways.

Johnt850, ‘relaxed’  is a good word……as is ‘still alive’…….except that’s two.

So no serious stuff below the line this week.

Just the other toon that has led me out of the darkness from time to time.

Don’t want to hear about it Every single one’s got a story to tell Everyone knows about it From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell

December 4, 2011

I am beginning to get paranoid about the school library. There are elements to it that don’t like me and can I preface what I am about to say by saying that there are some very nice ppl who work there, particularly in Issues and Returns. Can I also say that Missie K works in Glasgow libraries, AJ’s mum, e, used to work in one in the College and friend and colleague, the gorgeous W loves them?

Pleasantries over. Clarkson moment approaching. Watch out. Irony alert! Lol 😀 hehehehehe

There is something about the school library which does not like me. Evidence base is as follows.

Evidence One; Study buddie Fi needs to check one thing on computer; there is one vacant computer. She logs on and I kneel down on floor. It’s a position I’ve got to know sooooo well over the years. Moving swiftly on. Instantly, quicker than the fag police outside, a man is over telling me that it’s one computer per person and that he is wearing shirt and tie and is therefore in a position of authority.  I don’t even bother but take seat upstairs and continue to look over Fi’s shoulder but from a distance. Good cleavage viewing point for the warm months. Hey, women can look down my cleavage any time. That’s all I’m saying. Lol! 😀 hehehehehe

Evidence Two; I normally stalk Third Floor South (Skippy. Find the Thesaurus. ‘Stalk’ might be inappropriate. Skippy, I do not want your opinion. That incident was just a misunderstanding. No. I unfriended her. No. That was different.) Anyway…..there is a Third Floor North. Books with the code number 616 live there. I ask directions from friendly Librarian lady (actually library ladies are friendly to me…..)…..and enter Third Floor North.  Alone. I find books and attempt to re-enter. Third Floor South. Not friendly……….

(and before anyone attacks me for sexist humour, it’s lifted from a James Bond movie as played by the World’s favourite Scotsman, Sean Connery, so it’s allowed)

I get lost. I walk in circles but can you walk in circles when you keep turning left and then right and the good looking young female student of a minute ago is now a fire-breathing dragon talking Spanish into her mobile Dyson air dryer……or am I panic attacking? All the doors are wired Fire Doors. Omg….am I going to have to….? And then I spot the way out……..I live to breathe another day. But not fire.

And when I say dragon, you do get some really nice looking ones……not that looks are important…….fire breathing should be judged on its merits. Not looks.

Evidence Three; I am leaving the library building wearing rucksack which is now the second entry on my list of what I’m bequeathing to ppl after my farewell gig at Maryhill Crem. Son Brian gets the house, my entire collection of Clydebank FC programmes and a rather fetching photo of a sea-lion on my bathroom wall. Actually, W, there is a choice of rucksacks…

Anyway there is a revolving door which gathers up speed when you enter it. Fi has gone on ahead. Bravely. So I make it into the next gap. Unfortunately my rucksack doesn’t. It is stuck in the gap behind. The world begins to slow down and stops revolving on its axis. Eventually both me and the rucksack make it through……..Fi is giving me that kinda withering look which usually my son gives me. Down the phone.

And whilst I’m in a kinda ‘not-happy-with-the-BBC’ mode …….the problem with the BBC Sports Personality of the Year Award is not that there are no women – there are no personalities. Lewis Hamilton? Andy Murray? The guy selling the tickets for the half-time draw at Firhill has more charisma than them……….And as for the contenders for the Blog Personality of the Year Award…..yowza! They have personality. Lots. Soz but no Lols cos it’s tru.

And finally, one of our teachers said that almost all hypotheses can be disproved except E=MC2squared. But Jeremy Clarkson, in the Sun of the other day, so it must be true, said that Einstein had got it wrong and I trust Jeremy implicitly. Don’t I? Lol! 😀 hehehehehe

Cya, keep(ing) it fun and still wearing that badge? Yes. But not in the library.

Johnt850, knowing your right from your left is sooooo important, isn’t it? No. No reason.

Y’see, what Clarkson said what crass and boorish – just like him. But I’m going to defend his right to say it. Not on the grounds of Free Speech but as a defence of Post-Modern Irony. Of a sense that ppl can not now tell the difference between what is said and what is meant by what is said. Listen to it all. Feel the context. Smile the glove.

I’m sure everyone who has complained has done what I did – read the transcripts and watched the full replay. His use of those words on the Day of Action was a strongly disguised attack on the weak-kneedness of the BBC and its continual need for balance and compliance which is ruining it as a major broadcaster (Sorry BBC Al and I still owe you that drink).

But what for me summed up the rubbish that occasionally passes for broadcasting and is merely an opportunity for people to promo DVDs and shows and stuff and to give that awkwardly shaped Sarah Millilken an opportunity to ruin every panel show she appears on………was the reluctance of the two inane tw*ts on the settee to give Clarkson the slapping down he deserved at that time…..

I speak as someone who knows lots of slappers……. Lol! 😀 hehehehe

And I can’t believe there are people out there who have never heard of the White Stripes, who supplied the opening lyric. This is for they…….xx