It’s not considered stealing Unless you’re getting caught But you’ve been caught stealing Tryin’ to take something you haven’t got. Shoplifter you’ll never learn When you commit the crime …….you gotta do the time

I really miss Woolworth’s down (the) Byres Road I thought, about twelve months ago, when I realised I needed new brown shoelaces, 18″ long. Wonder why it’s no longer there? It’s where I did my own first shoplifting. Well, the Peterhead branch. And I’d be tempted to say, well, that’s where we all did, didn’t we, but I know that some of my contemporaries (and this covers a wide age range) have been incredibly law-abiding over the years but some others have incredibly interesting pasts. Me? Most of it lost in the midst of Antiquary.

The song? Shoplifter. The band? Green Day. And yes, I am covering for someone but only Naomi Campbell will ever get me to confess. Or the alternative ending I have devised to the Scarlett Johansson movie would work.

And, it’s just occurred to me. Does Brad Pitt have something that George Clooney or Johnny Depp haven’t?

Sorry. there’s a lot of nuances and name-dropping this week. Actually Jennifer Lopez once asked me for an example of a nuance, so I gave her one. Coming soon to an after-dinner speech near you.

But it’s been a quiet week. It’s been a week when Glasgow has sat back and enjoyed the sun. On one morning I felt I was wandering about one of the quieter but classy apartment block areas in a resort in Spain. Tbh, the back gardens of a quiet but classy……..Oh, the innocence provided by a young 18 month (or so)  AJ when casing groundfloor flats.

One summer I worked in a boys’ home in the South Side of Glasgow. That was a Masterclass in shoplifting and breaking and entering. It is amazing what a well trained small boy can do. Particularly with mates. We went for a fortnight to a holiday camp in Rothesay.  Didn’t last the fortnight. The police asked us to leave after a few days but would the boys mind returning the contents of Rothesay before we left.

Next week also looks quiet. The gorgeous W becomes a gorgeous Z for the week, altho’ neither she nor I were invited as extras for the gay night club scene in the lesbian drama Lip Service, unlike two Glasgow councillors. Unless…..W?

And I will put my car into the garage. ‘There’s been a noise’, I explained. ‘It’s outside and I can’t hear it when the windows are closed and the music’s on.’ ‘Can you describe it, jt?’ ‘It’s The Prodigy – Invaders Must Die – the second CD with all the re-mixes.’ ‘If it’s the re-mixes, then, it sounds like the brake pads are dirty.’

I’m either being humoured here or they are incredibly good.

The running continues apace altho’ the funeral parties have been replaced by picnic parties in the cemetary….(now there’s a day out that’s not on the list); I discovered that when bored, whilst most people put books in genres, I sort out my t-shirts (and I have a photo to prove it); well done to Mike and Zara for their simple wedding in Embra which only cost £500, 000 and their 400 close friends (I don’t even have that on Facebook); and a big well done to the amazing Anne Wallace who ‘celebrates’ ten years of working with Glasgow’s homeless, drug addicts and women working as prostitutes. I got a phone call from her a couple of weeks ago asking if I could help with something. It’s not only journalists who collect phone numbers, y’know.

And finally, the nuance thing arose from the fact that I recently explained to someone that the subtlety of this blog was once ensured by the insertion of a comma into a simple sentence, which extended it into an erection gag…….’I thought about it, long and hard’……when what should I find myself holding in my hand but an article (from Scotland on Sunday) saying that the average size of a Scotsman’s man hood (worldwide) is second only to those ‘cheese eating surrender monkeys’ the French. ‘Better than all the rest’ as Tina would say.

I won’t be too precise about the average length but I love the fact that it was measured ‘as far as would be comfortable’.

It is a scientific survey.

cya, keep(ing) fun and still wearing that badge? Yes, and it’s just the right size.

Johnt850, president, treasurer, secretary and events organiser of the fan club. And now keeper of the diary :D.

And a quick word, if I may, about Amy Winehouse. Or what her death highlighted. Most deaths are untimely, btw.

There was debate about addiction; its nature, its causes and its treatment. In a microcosm, what I’m about to study. Why some people ‘use’ acceptably (the vast majority of people listening to this) and those who abuse (people like me).

I was quite moved to read, thru F/book, the open-minded views of two former students with whom I had the pleasure of working (cos I never taught). They make the point that every addict is someone’s son, daughter, brother or sister or friend. Or tutor.

Cos when I first met (I think it was first meeting) Angela from Coatbridge and Siobhan from Cumnock (both good writers btw, and I hope their experience of education has not put them off writing) they did not realise I was a recovering addict with cancer; they just thought I was really weird – with cancer.

Since I dried out, cleaned up  my act or whatever, I’ve spoken to a number of addicts and I can never say that my way of sobriety would work for anyone else. All I can do is to use my experience to say that I have a life without alcohol. Sometimes that’s the kinda ressurance an addict needs.

It may be difficult to understand how my life works BUT I am alive to live it. And I enjoy it. Usually. (Upstairs in the Doublet was understandably quiet after the Thistle game on Saturday)

This week’s closing link is for new teachers everywhere. If you can’t make out the words, just Google them. Enjoy your new career, S***. Your dad uses asterisks all the time. 😉 But he doesn’t abuse them.


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