Archive for February, 2011

I always flirt with death I could kill but I don’t care about it I can face your threats Stand up tall and scream and shout about it I think I’m on another world with you I’m on another planet with you

February 26, 2011

I’m assuming that everyone knows that tonight’s featured artist is The Only Ones (much discussed on my Facebook this week. Thanks Amy) and don’t they sound amazingly like the amazing Roky Erikson and the 13th Floor Elevators and druggily they had much in common and what does it say that, when the person who introduced them to me and I have a long and wide-ranging conversation, we end up pixillating trans-sexuals? 

Actually it says exactly why people say to me, that when they read the blog,  they don’t understand it – but yet they fly in large metal machines full of  inflammable stuff without understanding any of that, either!

So I very rarely talk about the football but I want to mention the road trip that Northern Soul Dave, the Man They Call Bean and I made to Greenock this week and the parking in a place that looked like Sleepy Hollow only I play Johnny Depp and the walk to Tesco’s but we ended up in McDonald’s where I didn’t have anything cos I’d had a Spicy Bean Burger the night before but I really didn’t understand what that woman serving was saying to me but she gave me a really strange look when I said that C-3P0 and R2-D2 were not in proportion to each other in the Happy Meals and then we smuggled a cup of coffee into the ground and then the referee gave them a penalty they didn’t expect and then it was all over and I got dropped off in Queen Margaret Drive and on the way up the road I noticed that the Ladbroke’s had been robbed and then I thought – Why?  

Not, ‘why had Ladbroke’s been robbed?’, but following the mighty Thistle………..Why?

‘It’s a lifelong thing’, he said, tongue-in-cheek.

So big thanks to the gorgeous W for settling the cous cous question – it was really worrying me – and I don’t know what you said to the man’s PA but mega thanks (really an amazingly nice thought) – x -; to the Vampire Slayer, I (for a nano-second) had this vision of a vampire slaying meercat (wrong on so many levels lol!) – x -; to Missie K, I ‘m quite happy to sponsor some folk running for cancer charities (Fee), but, no I don’t run myself* but I know several women who do  – x – (Actually I’ve just had a thought) ; and to Uncle Colin – a manly handshake – and your daughter (tricky one but I’ll go for it) – x – thanks for buying me and her lunch.

* The only cuddly toy I have is a hippo that says ‘Jogging is my Life’. It’s from a time when I did a lot of running but never a sprint finish. 😉

And, Colin, I just don’t think that Jason Derulo is our demographic  But I’d really like to have gone and seen Judge Jules this weekend. Skippy went. I wonder who with?

And why is it everyone thinks I’ll end up the class swot? And it’s now Code ‘sorted’ (I repeat Code ‘sorted’) so I’m no longer fretting, cos I don’t worry, do I? Do I? You would tell me , wouldn’t you, if I did?  Wouldn’t you? No. No reason.

But I do have an awfully clean and sparkling white ten year old Megane courtesy (£4) of Anniesland Valet Centre, run apparently by Francis ‘Fraggle’ Green, son of ‘millionaire crime boss Jamie Daniel’ . Fraggle was first on the scene when the ‘notorious’  Kevin ‘Gerbil’ Carroll was shot and killed outside the ASDA in Robroyston last year. My car’s sparkling and when he said, ‘You’ve forgot your change,’ I went back for it. I’m no fool.

Carroll’s own car, you may remember, an Audi Quattro thing with alloy stuff and state-of-the art bits, was impounded by the police and was the target of at least two fire bomb attempts when it was parked in the Maryhill Police Station, just along the road from Ladbroke’s. Probably launched from the grassy knoll by my Health Centre. Well, not just mine. Lots of other people use it. For all sorts of things.

And finally, on the subjects of meercats, and that’s how they spell it, does anyone know if that insurance company pays the real meercats anything? I think that awfully nice Max Clifford should get on their case. 

Anyway since I took up their cause (*cough*), the meercats at Bristol Zoo Gardens have been given a bigger play area (so far so good) BUT there are cameras hidden inside the nest boxes ‘so that they can be seen sleeping’. Now I think that’s an invasion of meercat privacy. Serioulsy.

Cya, (keep)ing it fun and still wearing that badge? Unfortunately (?) I wasn’t wearing that jacket on Tuesday afternoon. Actually. On second thoughts. Maybe better that way.

Johnt850, beginning to wonder what he’s taking on (as well as talking about), but at the age of 42 (forty-two) the world’s his scallop.

Actually anything’s possible. I was at a meeting earlier this week in which a new prostate cancer drug was being discussed. Basically it will come into use for men for whom there may a slight problem following chemotherapy. It’s rumoured that, altho’ unlicensed anywhere in the world, that it’s the drug that has kept Abdul Abasset Mahmet al-Megrahi alive – the only man convicted so far for the killing of 270 people over Lockerbie. It’s called Abiraterone.

One of the men at this meeting was a man with whom I’ve done a number of awareness stands. He’s called Roy. He’s currently restricted to a wheelchair, but he’s going through a number of clinical trials regarding this drug to see if it works. Let’s hope it does. For him.  

This is/these are The Only Ones  (Mind you I quite like the cover version by Blink 182 and The Two Ronnies typo? I laughed. 😀 )

If I knew back then what I know right now, You know I’d be King of the Ladies, And if I knew back then what I know right now, There’d be no ifs and buts and no maybes

February 19, 2011

What a curioulsy apposite lyric there from The Extreme, one of a number of CDs (3) I bought recently from a charity shop in Milngavie and I was delighted when the young lady behind the counter said, ‘Hey, You’ve got really good taste (for a meercat).’ Or did I just imagine those last few words?

And when I did a couple of Prostate Cancer awareness gigs this week at a college in the South Side of Glasgow, did I not notice several of the evaluations which said an ‘animated and bouncy delivery’……Altho’ I think technically the Charity calls them presentations rather than gigs, and nowhere in the script I’m supposed to deliver (*cough*) does it say the words ‘divorced and looking’, and I did get a strange look when I described a piece of information as ‘a bit of a radge stat’ and I prepared really badly…….I forgot to take my comb. But they seemed to go dead good.

And, L frae Troon, you’d be amazed how far we took that question…….just short of a demonstration……but in all seriousness I was asked more personal questions than usual, including what I gained from not having my prostate removed.

And I’d like to thank Gillian in the office for her help in organising. Nothing like living life on the Razor’s Edge, eh?

But, hey, it will soon be Prostate Cancer Awareness Month….if I’m allowed back out. Of interest to anyone in North Lanarkshire would be Dobbies Garden Centre Cumbernauld 10 – 3 (and I’m staying to the end) 24th March and a gig in Motherwell, 21st March but that’s ticket only, but, hey I can pull a few strings. But plenty of other things happening. Plug over.

But blogmeister and gorgeous W, how many In-Service days do teachers in North Lanarkshire get? What? Oh, it’s an icon on my desk top. That’s how. No. No reason.

So I met up with young AJ and his mum on Tuesday (That’s how I didnae go to the ‘beath, Northern Soul Dave…….aw right big man, ‘n that, but I plan on doing the ‘ton. Ok?) and he’s really good at the animal noises these days, to which he has now added a meercat impression, y’know that bit with the hands held up by the ears……….Look, I’m sorry. I talk to invisible Bush kangaroos okay? And, hey, you maybe read what Skippy wrote last week. Think about that when you’re sucking your Solero.

But I will tell Sunny D that you, the Vampire Slayer, agree with her that I am like meercat and VS, thank you for those inspiring words 😀  One day it is possible that everyone will speak like you. Freelance essay and dissertation editors like me will no longer be needed*. But my net is being cast into other waters**. But still conditional. 

* £5 -£6 (five – six pounds) per thousand words with discount depending in how well I know you 😉 Unless Son Brian’s negotiating. I drink my coffee black.

**That is possibly the most pretentious sentence I have ever written in three years of blogging.

And Missie K, Alabama 3 is not the only loud music I play at home. Sometimes I play music so loud, the neighbours bang on the wall in time to the beat, but if you have no A3 on the playlist for your fabuloulsy successful show on BOLT FM drive-time Mondays, then next time we meet I’ll supply some! 😉

But I’ve taken in a fair amount of work recently. A lot of it seems to be short notice with me as a last port of call. I mean I’m not complaining but agreeing on Thursday night to edit 80,000 words by the end of the following week did mean missing out on a good night on Friday (so few and far between but possibly fortuitous as I’d have ended up in the same West End establishment as my son……not sure about that) and an early Saturday morning request from a regular (ooo-er, madam) was do-able cos the football was cancelled. Again.

However, mustn’t grumble. The stationery shopping has still to be done. I can easily afford it. And coffee. Black. Maybe travel a reasonable distance to do it but no, no assumptions.

Oh, and I did get more information from the guy who asked for a copy of a recent one minute screenplay I wrote. Apparently it’s for the ‘one minute film project’. I am none the wiser.  

And finally I note the death of the distinguished actor TP McKenna. Legend has it that on his first visit to Glasgow, someone shouted at him, ‘Hi there, Wigwam, how’s it going?’ Apparently, it had never occurred to him. Now what can you do with jt? Actually, quite a lot, expecially when cooking cous cous……….No. I haven’t a clue what I’m talking about either.

Cya, keep(ing) it fun and still wearing that badge? Yes, except I took it off a couple of times this week when it was inappropriate. I’m thoughtful meercat.

Johnt850, who foolishly got off at Langside Railway Station earlier this week for Langside College. No. It’s not the closest.

And so this is National Children of Alcoholics’ Week and I think you can guess what it’s all about. And I’ve been speaking to a number of unconnected people over the last few weeks where lives are being affected by alcohol – not because of any magical cure I may possess – but in some cases, for example, I am the only addict they know well. Albeit recovered. Not recovering.

But one of the biggest influences in my recovery was Son Brian and girlfriend, KT, who were the first people to get me back into pubs. I think I was in three different Wetherspoons in about two months, when so many other people were saying, ‘No. Honest. I’d be happy with just a Costa coffee.’

How much of my life before Cold Turkey Sunday was me drinking alone I’m not sure….in the final few weeks it was happening more and more, and I’ve discussed this with a friend recently, but what the two of them achieved was getting me back into a situation where I felt relaxed but making me realise what I could and couldn’t do.

It wouldn’t work for everyone but there’s a lot more ways of help out there than sometimes we realise.

This is tribute to Shakespeare, bravest of all meercats. I’d like to think I was Tosca, but maybe I’m Mozart. Watch it and weep.

Nobody’s going to mess me ’round Hey, Satan paid my dues Playing in a rocking band Hey momma Look at me I’m on my way to the Promised Land, wooh, the Highway to Hell

February 12, 2011

G’day, cobbers. Skippy here. jt is fast asleep in his bunk at present which is why I was able to slip in AC/DC there, Oz’s top band with Scottish roots which they’ll be displaying later this year at the Kelvingrove Art Galleries. It’s an exhibition. Not a gig tho’. But sounds good anyway.

I reckon old jt there is just plumb tuckered out after last week’s random walk on the wild side on the boulevard of broken dreams on the road to nowhere and so on and so forth…… I’m going to attempt to make some sense of his notes left lying around here. Seems to be a new pack of Post-Its altho’ one of them does say;

Stationery shopping – lots needed. Enough dosh in business bank acc.

So you’ll excuse me listeners if I just read ’em out as they come to me…a little bit like deddies.

Son Brian – next time I’ll place the coffee order and you can pay.

Must tell the blogmeister I never really liked veal anyway and that was before I became a Pescatarian.

Gorgeous W – lots of time I don’t wear socks; my carpet is coloured ‘sand’ not ‘beige’; and I’d to scrape a lot of mud out of my kyebraod the other day.  

And this bit looks quite serious – must get hold of new report ‘Getting Serious About Stigma: The Problem With Stigmatising Drug Users in Scotland’ and maybe send it to people! Loadsappl! My great fear is that ppl see me as boring cos I don’t do the stuff I did b4…jt

Moving swiftly on. Just in case.

Must stop sending Northern Soul Dave pretend rap txts whilst standing in a queue in Waitrose.

rrm –  rap is where an MC performs spoken verses in time to a beat or melody. Ah, the generation gap.

Must tell (can’t make the name out) that if not Johnny Depp nor George Clooney then Dr Paul, the World’s greatest Quizmaster, thinks that that bookish photo makes me look like Lou Reed.

and stapled to this is

Dr Paul knows more, much more than Angus Purden that cant……shldn’t there be another word there….cant what?

Folk I want to catch up with socially and do lunch with and generally meeting up with (and there’s a list of names)

Tell ppl how embarrassed I was being given lift by sis when I pulled a piece of (my own) clothing out of jacket pocket. Last person to see it had been Jayne.

Oh, hang on. There’s the phone. ‘Naw, you’re okay. He’s not relapsed. Muttered something about the excitement of the Wednesday game actually being on, but not the result, cream crackered him. Fine. Thanks for calling.’ Don’t know who that was. Some sheila.

Actually he seems to have written something already ’bout the game;

It was nice of Northern Soul Dave to show me another turn off for Bellshill even tho’ it did mean adding an hour or so to the trip to Perth from Kelvinbridge as we had to go via Edinburgh. The highlight of the trip was the BBC radio pundit who, speaking of a current Scotland international, said; ‘He wasn’t good at training. He always turned up late. And then there was the drink.’ And nobody picked him up on it.

I think I’ve fallen in love with the long blonde haired female steward who kept telling me she wasn’t dancing altho’ I didn’t ask her; and my thanks to the Thistle fans with fresh whisky on their breaths who kept apologising to me for breathing on me. It was good quality. I feel accepted.

What else have we got here? What else has jt written? What’s this?

Do I look like a meercat?’ does not work as a chat up line when the woman in the ASDA queue does not know what a meercat is.

Must thank Sunny D for set up line tho’ and nice hair btw.

Must say well done to Missie K on exam results; tell the Vampire Slayer that she’s dead clever with the Barbie thing; and re-assure the Parfery person that that was a serious apology make-up offer. Clrly there’s someone missing there. Ah, happy daze……. 😉

And finally – must re-assure Kevin from the Kollege that I don’t stalk people even if I did bump into him twice in two days.

cya and defo keep(ing) it fun but that badge? He won’t let anyone near it. Even to shine it. Not me nor no-one. No. No reason. Anyway he’s waking. It’s the serious bit. Bye cobblers.

Skippy. 😀

Thanks for switching it on, Skip and I’ll write the rest later.

Naw, just a quick word at this bit.

The two folk I menshed last week who were due to start cancer treatment this week have got off to a good start but will now be allowed to get on with it; there’s some lovely people out there about whom I’m worried but I just don’t know enough; and I’ve talked to a few folk recently about lots of kinda academically related things. They know what I mean. And it’s still conditional. So it’s been a tiring week.

But let’s get it into some kind of ironical context. After all the White Stripes have split up. Meg was married to Jack but that went a long time ago. Now the music’s gone. Meg’s a marvellous drummer and drop dead gorgeous but she ain’t no Naomi Campbell. This is they. Enjoy. Please. Oke?

Say my name, say my name Wear it out, it’s getting hot, crack a window, air it out, I can get you through a mighty long day Soon as I go the text you gon write is gon say….

February 5, 2011

And then Rihanna comes in with Ooh na na, what’s my name; Ooh na na, what’s my name; Ooh…….Rihanna? In the week when the White Stripes split I’m playing Rihanna? Naomi Campbell, you have so much to answer for! And you’ve cost me £7.99. So before I get to the usual run-of-the-mill rubbish let me explain.

In the early days of the blog, top pop pickers such as Emma J, Missie K, Heather C and the Vampire Slayer all suggested music and I’d check the actual lyric with a site called Sing365 which allows me to bypass copyright laws (it says here officer) if it’s for educational purposes (*cough*) and as long as I buy the album by the artist. So thus it was, dear listeners, that late one night this week, when all the illegal scanners in the neighbourhood were in their beds, that I contacted iTunes (sorry rrm but it wasn’t the first time; it’s getting to be a habit and I needed a quick fix) and downloaded Loud by Rihanna. There’s a track called S & M. No. No comment.

And all because the lady has a new mobile phone with new number. 😀

And last week’s minionism rant rang a bell but not with minionists, people who fail to show respect to others because of their ‘exalted’ position. Have you ever done that? Have I ever done that?

Probably, but the untrained journalist in me has always told me the importance of individuals – not just that they have a story to tell but that they can be so very very helpful. The only reason I know that, to get to Bellshill I need to drive through a No Entry, is testament to what you get when you ask nicely and don’t demand.

But there again I’ve never had a position of power. Sure I was an Acting Senior Producer at the BBC planxty of times but was never confirmed and I was an Acting Beaver Leader (183rd Bearsden) for a while but I never did get my warrant, my seal of approval. Now this might be due to the fact that when the Warrant Committee people came to interview me, I somehow locked them in the Car Park although I had no key for the Car Park. Now I thought this showed great inventiveness/stupidity on my part but maybe I was never destined for great things.

Or maybe it was my answer to the question; ‘What do you see yourself doing in five years time, jt?’  ‘Writing blogs about Vampire Slayers and invisible kangaroos.’ ‘Next!’

(And to think my riposte to Rihanna was the Glitter Band even without Gary……….Skippy, what are you putting in my sandwiches?)

But I would like to make a public apology to the Parfery Person, whose knowledge of music I recently doubted. Sorry. It should also be stressed that without you I would never have seen Alabama 3, the Infadels and Red Light Company live at Loch Lomond a couple of years back.  I would like to invite you to lunch to make up. You say when; I’ll combine the words ‘somewhere cheap’ and ‘Ashton Lane’ in the answer.

Actually, asking certain questions publicly might just be the way ahead…………….. 😛

Also a Well Done to Jayne, who’s about to start work as a Script Editor on River City, but just as smashingly, for managing to reverse into a parking space (or two) at a funeral we both attended. (God, I hope the Good Luck card arrives before she reads that or my shins will suffer)

Actually, Jayne, on a serious note if you ever need someone to advise on being an alkoholic, please ask. Loadsa reasons. I once saw Phil Mitchell pretend to be one yet he was drinking out of a bottle by holding it by the neck. Schoolboy error. You can’t control the flow as well as when you hold it at the base. You might spill some.

And it was a week when someone asked for a copy of a short film script I wrote some time back. So I sent it to him. I did ask him why. But he’s not replied.

And Son Brian, you’re right, should I ever return, hypothetically, (an interesting word in my recent life) to academia, I am worried about having to write essays instead of editing them, but there’s a lot of amazing academics out there who, I’m sure would be happy to help. 

Including the gorgeous Miss W, and thanks – those six words painted an interesting picture, W. Which kept me awake all night. Tossing. And turning. Mine’s kinda pale blue but in a discontinued sense. (Skippy, it’s not Marmite is it? You know I’m Pescatarian.) 

And apparently I’ve agreed to give away 48 (forty-eight) copies of The Spy Who Came in from the Cold on World Book Night. Wonder where I’m supposed to do it (maybe I said the ASDA) and what if the weather continues as it is. Windy. (I’ve just corpsed. Sorry. I’m on the floor. With kyebaord. I’ve got hysterics.)

Horses! He croaked. Orally. (Y’know, I do not have a clue what I’m talking about. Has anyone ever noticed?)

Or am I the only one for whom certain words produce weird reactions or make me walk backwards 😉

And finally, I’d like to thank my friend Craig for introducing me to a new piece of football terminology. Y’see I thought he was shouting Chauffeur Him, when he was shouting Show For Him, calling on the player to expose himself to other players, so that’s okay then. (Skippy, that thimbleful of thick green liquid….what was it?)

Cya, keep(ing) it fun and still wearing that badge? Well, yes, but not to the funeral (and only Jayne knows the line that’s just been deleted cos she’s a damn fine and excellent editor and a damn fine and excellent chauffeur…)

Johnt850, ‘a nice guy, but never lost the weird’. But almost toastally lost it towards the end there, didn’t I? Jeez.

And there are two people, both important to me, who begin cancer treatments this week (different cancers) and the message to them is;

Serioulsy. Keep It Fun. No. No reason.

This piece of music has absolutely no relephants, so everyone join in