I can feel you, you’re everywhere, shining like the sun, and I wished to God that kids like you could be like everyone. How many tumbles must it take before you learn to fly? I’m going to help you spread your wings, my universal child.

Annie Lennox, obvioulsy, from her album A Christmas Cornucopia. According to Wikepedia, she was born on Christmas Day in Aberdeen. It’s a song written, she says, ‘because the nativity is really about a child born in dangerous, impoverished circumstances.’ Nice and appropriate.

In which case would someone tell Susan Boyle that Hallelujah is not a ‘traditional Christmas song’, but is the product of Leo Cohen’s drug inspired brain and is based on hedonism and debauchery and adultery in the Old Testament. I’m sorry but I am past making allowances for that woman. Maybe Ben Brown should interview her.

And, yes, I, too, am in favour of drug legalisation. We already recognise there’s a problem by treating the victims of an illegal trade. Why are we not then recognising the solution, altho’ it does require an awful lot of work to make it happen?

(Easy, tiger, it’s Christmas…………I know. It’s the drums. Why don’t I do what I usually do with the Christmas blog and do cracker gags?………Oke, tiger.) It’s Friday, it’s five to five and it’s a cracker gag………

q      How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

a      Wi’ jam in………

(Sorry, W, what was it you said about my sense of humour? And Jaymi, well done. And Jayne, I do have one but I have no balls.)

No. The Christmas blog is the equivalent of a glass or two of nicely mulled wine in good company with some gentle humour.

Fat decorator wins X Factory with awful version of Biffy’s song!

Precocious talent (Cher) with brill voice, who dared to be different, doesn’t!

q      What does an angry kangaroo do?

a      Gets hopping mad!

So I was on a train going into town from Summerston (purely for the novelty factor as bestest friend Caitlin suggested) and there’s this man working intently on his blackberry and I had to sneak a peak and you have no idea the pleasure with which I said, in a very loud voice, ‘Red five on black six!’

Bells! Jayne, I meant bells!

And I’m sure, like me, you were devastated by the cancellation of Deadmau5 at Braehead and, therefore, on Radio 1. I’m being serious. For those who wondered what happened, here’s his site. 


But if you’re looking for something more mainline, can I recommend Deana on Dino on Radio 2 on Christmas Day, in which Dean Martin’s daughter recalls memories of her dad. No. No reason. Other than the fact it’s really good. And a Demus production.

Plus RIP, Captain Beefheart. You and John Peel played a major cameo role in my life earlier this year. Thanks.

q      What do you call a man who used to be interested in tractors?

a      An ex-tractor fan.

And there will be a small blog next week at the end of Christmas Day when I’ll probably list all my pressies. Don’t know what I’ll put in the second line. And then the week after that I’ll be publishing The Blog Personality of the Year Awards at 6 o’clock on the evening of 1st January, just in case any Liverpudlian punters fancy a strange bet or two.

But I was down at the Beatson Cancer Care Centre earlier this week for what I hoped would become an annual check up (see serious bit below but not just yet) and whilst always an emotional experience, there is always a certain element of fun attached to it.

I saw a different consultant from before. Not a bad thing. I think it’s important I meet new people and whilst I’ve not met many this year just ending, those (plural) that I did meet obvioulsy made a big impression on me. What’s this, jt? Is the favourite maybe not the fave? Could there be an outsider, an etranger, coming up on the rails???????

Anyway, he left the room. So I read my notes.

omg! I am weird. I have seen it in medical black and white. Did I really talk about marrying my psychologist (lol!x), I’m not ‘tee total’, ‘is writing what he calls a ‘blook”, my cancer was bad but no sign of spreading, ‘GSOH’, and my fave bit – altho’ it should be remembered I am 42 – ‘he is a 53 year old young (sic) journalism lecturer’. 😀

I had a consultant who kept it fun which is why I chose him rather than the surgeon’s knife, but an awful lot came flooding back, including the obligatory tears.

q   Why did the man get sacked from an orange juice factory?

a    He couldn’t concentrate.

Incidentally I have seen coffins in the shape of gaily coloured aeroplanes and buses and kayaks, but where? And I don’t mean HIGNFY…….I mean, I really have……where?

And finally, I saw a really bad  TV comedy prog during the week called Desperate Fishwives, which is based on the idea that amateurs speaking the doric are funny cos they’re amateurs speaking the doric. It didn’t work. And I say that coming originally from Peterhead but ppl in the North East don’t understand the doric. For years I never had a part in a Nativity Play when I was at school. I was always the narrator, but yet the story never changed…………always the same ending. I got really weird looks when I suggested a re-write. I think it was the condom gag.

cya, keep(ing) it fun and still wearing that badge? It was grooving Friday night.

Johnt850, whose resolutions for 2011 have already been written, by the rainforestriverman. The TLA is JCB.

So, to cancerly matters…..and let’s get this out the way; it was the result I was expecting. That very specific blood test I get (PSA) has doubled (oops but not worrying, just yet, cos it’s a relatively low figure) but statistically we don’t know enough, so I’ve to go back in six months rather than a year and I’ve to get the PSA test done a wee bit more often during that period.

It is probable that my levels bounce about a wee bit more than make good graph reading and we’ll find out more over the next few months, but like everything to do with my prostate there is always a wee bit of up and down (I’ll leave that innuendo with you). 😀

Anyway, there’s the doorbell. That’ll be the Carol Muggers. The mulled Buckfast is ready.

Merry Christmas, dear listeners, and here’s my fave gag…..it might take a second or two…….

q    What’s brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink?

a     Bournville and Dean.



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