I don’t always get it right But a thousand different ways and I just might. Pay my lip service, Keep it eloquent, Optimistic but never quite elegant. Still a weirdo, still a weirdo after all these years…..

KT Tunstall there and the song is called (Still a) Weirdo altho’ when I heard her play it, I thought it was called To a Weirdo but whatever, it’s a message sent across the high seas to a nunnery from another weirdo – me. All bases covered. (I always feel when I say something like that, that a railway bridge in Normandy will now be blown up by the remaining members of the French Resistance all in their eighties but programmed to do just that on the mention of a few keywords.)

And speaking of keywords http://www.thewordprocess.net will do a big list of mega thanks below the line later in the show for all the amazing help and suggestions I have had recently. Using WD – 40 instead of olive oil helped, btw, W. Ta. (I did get that the right way round, didn’t I?)

But I would like to say thanks to award-winning Son Brian for sending me a txt at 7.47 the other morning, asking me to phone him so he could tell me he was sending me an e-mail. You should be working in PR. Incidentally, Son Brian is involved in Scouting and I was once a trained, but not warranted, Beaver Leader. A Beaver is taught that a good turn is helping someone without being asked. No. No reason. Was it not also something Danny Wallace managed to make a book out of? Or am I getting confused. net?

And speaking of PR….as some of you know, when the rainforestriverman returns to Scotland on business, I accompany him. I like talking into the cuff of my shirt going, ‘Skippy, there is a cherokee in the building’ and holding up the palm of my hand, stopping people until I get a reply. So it’s happening again this week and this week’s exotic location is…….Cranhill? Could you not, rrm, put something back into communities like Gleneagles or Turnberry or the Alea Casino?????

And my reward for doing this? An annual stipend of a barrel of foaming ale and a cassock of virgins. These terms need to be renegotiated, I think. And apologies to the residents of Cranhill if any railway bridges are blown up, unexpectedly.

But can I, at this point, say well done to the employee of South Lanarkshire Council who actually sent the local authority’s details to a Nigerian Colonel’s daughter (or similar…..apparently it was ‘more subtle’) who benefited, sources tell me, to the tune of over £100k. Loudmo would like your details as well.

No, it’s been a bitty week, he says, sounding like one of those bloggers that the Sunday Mail used to feature but have stopped doing;

I attended a Prostate Cancer Charity session on the subject of Erectile Dysfunction, which is a serious cause for concern for many men (As with so many aspects of my actual treatment, I have ended up so lucky compared with others) but a brilliant nurse had an amazing bag full of amazing pieces of equipment and an amazing sense of humour; 

I tried to use the work- but also income-free period (living off a courgette at the moment, also useful for chasing away bears) to fix the toilet cistern handle but so far, so bad…….neither the WD – 40 nor the olive oil are working where they’re meant to;

and my car was serviced (and I’ve done that gag to death, and also asking the optician for a long slow screw, or was it a short one for the leg of my spex? That’s why I was thrown out. Now, it all becomes clearer!)

But nobody’s interested in that stuff, are they? That’s what everyone else does.

No. You want me to point out things like the fact that George Michael was not on cannabis or similar when he crashed into the Snappy Snaps photo shop but was on the tryclic anti-depressant amytriptyline. (What’s in your system when you drive?);

that Russell Brand blames his producer (an employee of Russell’s company) for the idea for that call. What a shit! It’s not too late Ms Perry, and I’m currently available;

to point out that the hermit in Life of Brian hadn’t spoken for 18 (eighteen) years;

and it was only the other day that I realised that my downstairs room (which I laughingly call the front room) is full of pictures of phallic symbols e.g. the Eyeful Tower, Peterhead lighthouse and cranes overlooking the Clyde……..mmmmmm

And finally, in the world of WTF do we pay professors for, the words of ‘footy expert Professor Chris Brady’ on being told that Dundee FC’s major benefactor might be pulling out? – ‘it doesn’t sound good’. Tonight’s analysis in The Doublet, Kelvinbridge was just a touch more insightful, Prof, but you just keep taking the large salary for stating the bleeding obvious.

(Were those last few pars, okay, Dr Paul? – and thanks for yr help with that problem)

cya, keep(ing) it fun and still wearing that badge? Damn tootin’ right, I am. 😀

Johnt850, as weird as a coiled penguin in heat

So to the thanks and, as ever, a million thanks to my usual support team who are just sooooooo patient with me.  A few weeks ago I offered to sponsor someone for a cancer charity run and I was turned down. It had never ocurred to me on whom the money raised was spent. So, ta for that.

New support people include some amazing ASDA ladies who, in their break outside for fresh air, not only gave me good advice about my non-love life and gave me details of their own but who, when I said that I exist in two universes, asked, ‘and which one are you in just now, son, just so we know?’ ;

The BBC’s Karen M for asking about the advice but in such a gentle, subtle way and seriously sorry to hear about the pulley;

Erik the Floodstalker for his one poster fits all approach;

The amazing Jill L from http://www.fuzzylime.co.uk who is so patient with waifs and strays like me and Northern Soul Dave;

Anyone else I’ve missed;

And last, but not least, the fantastic Julie from http://www.perceptivepartners.co.uk/ and I promise I will never ever tell that story; the one that involves my car breaking down and that hotel…..in Clydebank. Suddenly, Cranhill seems really exotic after all.

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