Oh Come All Ye Faithful, Joyful and Triumphant, Oh Come Ye, Oh Come Ye To Bethlehem

And then all Hell breaks loose. Yes. It’s Twisted Sister’s version of Christmas carols on their album called A Twisted Christmas and if you want to get a good flavour of what the band is about then check out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=De47fjH6RKY and ask yourself why that demure young lady is kneeling in front of that guitar hero.

Well, blow me down.

So, it’s the Christmas edition of the blog and as tradition calls, it will have cracker jokes, but this year it’s the ones they’ve decided to ban.

Q   What shoes do frogs wear in summer?

A   Open toad sandals.

Ho, ho, ho, let’s go…….(also from Twisted Sister)

So socially a good week. The office lunch took place (me and one other) in Prince’s Square where my favourite line from the table next to us was ‘Both your father and I have had long term relationships….’ I mean, break it to your daughter quietly, why don’t you?

That’s as bad as me telling you, the listener, that my son’s adopted, before I tell him. Except I’ve just done that, haven’t I? Ooooops. I’ll maybe reinstate the allowance. Albeit unwittingly.

And I was also at the excellent House For An Art Lover in Bellahouston Park for lunch on Wednesday.

Q   What’s green and turns red at the flick of a button?

A   A frog in a liquidiser.

And as the nation searches desparately for comic relief with the demise of Watson’s Wind Up (Christmas and New Year specials coming up) can I recommend the Jung Wan? She very kindly suggested that I might be interested in attending a comedy writing workshop at Maggie’s Farm, gave me the time and then phoned me ten minutes after it started to tell me she’d given me the wrong time. Well, I drove like a Bat out of Hell (Meatloaf, and one of my late dad’s favourite songs); arrived at the original, agreed time (but an hour late) and just as they were breaking for coffee. Comic timing? Sheer genius. Serioulsy. 😀

Q   Mum, can I have a dog for Christmas?

A  No, you’ll have turkey like everyone else. 

Incidentally, bestest friend Caitlin, I’ve bought yet another new jacket thing. If I come over at Hogmanay, I’ll wear it. Black. Obvioulsy*. And Vampire Slayer? Your ‘cool’ mum. She’s not Sicilian Mafia is she? I’m treading gently from now on. And Missie K? It all happened in one guy’s bedroom in West Princes Street. (I realise that line is open to misinterpretation. I’m keeping it in) And, L frae Troon, don’t worry about last Tuesday. Every cloud, etc. I met Peggy Sue on the Maryhill train. 🙂 Moving on…..just in case. 😉

* That night of the year, there’s a barrier comes down by the Lidl preventing people from leaving Summerston unless they offer Ferrero Rocher to the guard.

Oh, a propos, c’etait ton appel toujours. C’est dommage, mais merci pour tout. Je sera toujours ici.

And bestest literary line of the week? ‘Lolita, not a book you’d take to a Parent’s Evening.’ And I loved the way Peter Kay destroyed Adrian Chiles the other night. ‘I’m not homophobic. I love my house.’ And next week is the annual Awards ceremony. I have no idea what the categories are.

Q   What did the transvestite do at Christmas?

A   Eat, drink and be Mary.

And to the Great Council and the sub-committee known as TMCB(AK) plus the person I had the office lunch with, I have two extra resolutions;

To make up my own mind more often. What do you think? And, also…. ‘to pull an all-nighter’. I have no idea what it means, but Jon Sopel on BBC News used it so it must be okay. Any thoughts, BBC Al?

Q   What pet makes the most noise?

A  A trum-pet.          (I’m sorry but that is awful) 😦 😦 😦

Incidentally, I have little to say on the Rage Against The Machine Facebook campaign as I’m sure that all those people who signed up know the links between RATM, Simon Cowell and Sony, especially those who work for multi-national, global enterprises with branches everywhere, Capitalist Greedy Grasping Bastards inc. (See me, see Marxism. I am old and unrequited, eh, unreconstructed), but if you do want to make a real difference to the World, please have a look at www.workersuniting.org/valeinco. Kids are steelworkers too.

Q  What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A  No idea.

And I’m staying quiet on the cancerly, alkoholically front this week, other than to say, if you Love Film, Love Charity, have a look at http://www.justgiving.com/LOVEFiLMLOVECHARITY/ Please. Except to take issue with ageing misogynist Peter Alliss, whose views on Tiger Woods are that  ‘if you declare yourself an addict of something and that you are getting treatment for it…..you get sympathy.’ Not always from the management people, Peter, but often from the most unexpected sources. But my world knows that.

He also dismissed Tiger’s friends as ‘good looking women, irrespective of whether they were waitresses’. (sic)

Q   What lies in a pram and wobbles?

A   Jelly babies.

And this space had been set aside to chronicle Partick Thistle’s amazing ten goal victory over Ayr United doon the watter this afternoon, but it never happened……the game that is, not the victory……and so presents have been finally wrapped, neighbours’ cards completed (all others in the post and hopefully well received) and the mulled wine kit in the cupboard completely ignored again, so it’s maybe time to reflect a touch.

The blook (of blessed memory and its material will be recycled and serious thanks to all concerned) contained a chapter in which I chronicled the fact that several recent Christmases had been spoiled by death, dependency and disease, and last year, by everyone else’s flu. So three years on from the Sunday that has shaped my life in recent times, I have decide to embark on a spirit of selfishness I have not displayed for a long time. (pauses).

Nup, I can’t do it. There are people out there to whom I owe my very existence. And if some times I have a child-like innocence, then that’s not a bad thing. Regaining innocence? Not a bad wee trick.

So, some doors will never be closed. 

Moving thoughtfully but swiftly on…….Final gag;

Q   What is green and stands in the corner?

A   A naughty frog

My favourite. No. No reason.



So, have I missed anything? Oh, yes, to quote laconic, laid-back comic genius, Phil Differ in his e-mail keeping me posted; ‘Oh, almost forgot, merry christmas and a happy new year.’

Limmy, coming to a screen near you soon.


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