Come on look me in the eye You wanna try to tell a lie I’ll bet you can’t and you know why? I’m just like your mother

I know. That paints a really weird picture but I do know some really cool (if crazy) mums out there, and I know some others too. The band is obviously The Dead Weather, the album is Horehound and the vid comes recommended by The Man They Call Bean

Yes. It is one of my fantasies and I do like the bit where he uses only one hand. Don’t try it at home….just in case. ๐Ÿ™‚

And to those who follow True Blood, my demon is in a sweatshirt. That sweatshirt never leaves the house.

And my final Public Service Announcement this week is thanks. Lots of you saw the piece in The Sun last week about my alter ego and prostate cancer. Fathers, uncles and indeed mums all of a certain age might be more interested than some, and if I or the Prostate Cancer Charity Scotland can help increase awareness………

And to one txtr, yes it is ironic that al-Megrahi and I have something in common, albeit unwittingly. And to another, yes, it is all my own hair. Let’s move on. And let’s move on to my Quote Of The Week. It’s long but it’s worth it. (on reading the script back I realise that that’s an innuendo, Mr BBC Al, but I’m leaving it in.)

Leah Shevlin, fiancee of ย Rangers goalkeeper, Allan MacGregor, said of a female rival;

‘only a complete scummy slapper would go to a hotel room with Allan, correct?’

But would Allan go with one? Eh, yes and has. Has Leah ever been to a hotel room with Allan? Eh, yes. Therefore? But most important of all, I want to meet an incomplete scummy slapper and just see the difference.

Janis Forsyth wanted to know this morning whose voice I’d want on Sat Nav. I want Leah Shevlin. ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ Everything would be via Gucci and Armani and Timberland (I need a new shirt okay? That other one looked sooooo faded in the pic, but the garden looked good)

Ambitions, eh? At the age of 42 I’m still young enough to have them. Incidentally bestest friend Caitlin, your uncle is sooooo perceptive. He agrees I am 42 and I wasn’t even paying for lunch this time.

No. There is money coming in from some of my activities, enough to pay that tab in that bar in Italy, but there are other things I want to do to increase that income. I’d be keen to do more in the way of teaching and training, some more paid writing and I have been talking to people about some broadcast work, all of which are sooooo totally confidential, but there are still some gaps in my calendar. Some contracts have still to be signed.

But, sometimes the fun is in the speculation. The devil is the next morning when (totally sober, as I was the previous night) I realise what I have agreed to. It seemed such a simple notion in Bar Ten the other night (One of the reasons I like this place is that one of the barmen does a Virgin Mary with a cocktail shaker….it is not a soft drink, just not alcoholic). And yes, as I walked one of several potential producers back to his train I was jumping up and down, as I do, at the idea, in Queen Street Station.

But now I wonder. It’s a pilot to see if an idea works. That’s fine. But at midnight next weekend, I am going into the graveyard across the road from me with script, torch and a state-of-the art hard drive mic, just to give it a touch of authenticity. ย Vampire Slayer, your number is on speed dial, like 1. It’ll be fun.

And I’m taking part in a podcast and other stuff. It’s cool. Limmy started this way. And he’s been off the drink longer than me. Five years, three months and twenty two days, but who’s counting? His TV show will be good.

And I also had a marvellous business meet on a park bench in Princes Street Gardens, Edinburgh. It’s the Fest. I spare no expense in entertaining. We went on to watch the free street performers. We then went to the Blook Fest, as it will clrly be called one day.

I spoke to some publishing people. The first mistake I made, dear Editorial Advisory Team, was not to put the finished blook in a kitchen drawer and return to it later. I broke a major rule by not walking away from it. Ho hum. And then going back. (Did you see what I did there? Clever, eh?)

So I’m going to go to an evening class in drama writing to see if I can use the basic story as a screenplay type thing and build on it with romance, car chases, romance, shoot outs, romance, PT winning the Champions League and romance.

Liam Buchanan walks on water. Sorry. It’s a PT thing. Two goals and three assists.

Actually on the subject of night classes, can I draw attention to the cover of Glasgow Met’s Part Time Prospectus? Is Brian May of Queen really teaching guitar lessons at the College then? Oh, and James W, I loved the Superman impression at Queen Street Station the other day. Your superhero secret is safe with me. I couldn’t possibly know any current students, could I?

Incidentally, can I just say to Missie K, yeah, yeah, yeah? I like the ‘sister’ line? Okay? Anyway, it’s been a wee while since we talked. Oooops, sorry , listeners. I was miles away there.

Which reminds me (eh?). Planet Holyrood is back and I’ll be dropping some ppl a wee note. It’s been replicating politicians’ holidays but not expenses, and returns with lots of Megrahi stuff.

But one final word on Homecoming 2009, Tripoli style. Is it true that on the other side of those Saltires were the words, ‘Burley Must Go’?

Leah reckons Allan would still spoil her even if he wasn’t a footballer. Like, if he was an unemployed brickie? I think not. Actually I think I’ve taken a wee shine to her. Her favourite chocolate is Galaxy Caramel. Mmmmmmm, me too, Leah. ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

So, I’ve maybe found the romantic interest for the screenplay. Why? Who else could there possibly be? ๐Ÿ˜‰

(Leah’s interviews were published last Sunday morning. That afternoon the Rangers’ goalie gifted an easy goal to Hearts and his team only gained a victory through a soft last minute penalty. No. No connection.)

But what makes good comedy?……….Timing………….Leah, you have indeed been Princess of My Week. I thank you.


Johnt850, oh, and Son Brian, that’s good news. But contracts have still to be signed. The coffee table’s on me. And good luck with the exam.

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