You Can’t Start A Fire, You Can’t Start A Fire Without A Spark, This Gun’s For Hire Even If We’re Just Dancin’ In The Dark

Bruce Springsteen there and members of the blook writing team might have expected Peace In The Valley by Alabama 3 to celebrate, ‘cos we finished writing the blook last week. I’ll explain the presence of The Boss in a second but, C, I’m sorry.  I didn’t expect that piece of music to take so long to be sent over, legally (educational purposes…it’s okay). However we got there. Thanks guys. 48,000 great words, if not necessarily in the right order.

The blook is now being sent to the publisher man and the agent who showed interest and I shall never mention it again…..just in case….unless.

And I think we’re close to getting the word “blook” recognised in the upper echelons of society.

And there is no narrative thread to this week’s blog. The blook took up most of the week, I made a real mess of being too clever last week, and I was at a black tie dinner last night and I woke up this morning with a hangover. No. No relapse. Did I just kinda absorb alcohol? Sorry Jaymi in Asda. I was just grumpy today. The answer’s “Not a Problem.” I only wish I could remember the question.

Actually if Danny Wallace hadn’t got in there first with the “Yes Man”, I’d have written the “No Problem Man” (except, of course, I have a problem). I could have sold it to Holywood, except the closest I’ll get is the fabulously new and exciting website What If it were successful?

But I used to drink. Clean for over two years now but it didn’t stop my taxi driver saying, “Haven’t seen you for some time, John. This you going out for a wee bevvy?” Shamefully, I said nothin’. If Summerston had cocks, they’d have crowed.

No. Dancin’ in the Dark is there for a reason. It was featured in the brilliant Limmy Show on BBC 2 earlier this week with the brilliant recovering smackhead and the phone call from Hell sketch. And we’ve all been there, haven’t we? No. What I mean is we’ve all made a phone call we later regret, but, hey, I know people from Priesthill. It’s okay.

No. It was brill for three reasons. It was produced by my mate Rab, it had a scene in Maryhill Juniors Social Club, where I want my post-cremation party (they need four weeks notice, Son Brian, but I’m working on it), and the prog featured ma scheme! Or at least where Barrisdale  Road used to be.

The News of the World exposed it a few years ago as a street full of drug dealers, so the Council knocked it down. Don’t know where the dealers moved to (he lied) but the local Community Council has no plans for a Homecoming, they tell me.

Incidentally the Anti Drugs message really hit home when I heard one anti-drugs campaigner talk of her earliest drugs experience; “I first took cocaine in the Groucho Club in London.” And that’s meant to put people off? There are some TV researchers for whom that’s a career aspiration. Which reminds me. Don’t forget about those Edinburgh International Television Festival applications. No. No connection.

Okay. Since you ask. They moved to the Wyndford. No. Not the ….oh, never mind.

I need to get out more and I’m working on it. My diary says “Oran Mor” (nice), “City Halls” (that’s fine) and “Comico Presents His Prestigiously Prestigious Commedia del’Arte Troupe”…so that’s okay…hang on….Comico what? This better be good, Cathcart minor. It sounds awfy arty farty and what do I wear? I need something that says “I am not the father of any student on stage (seriously). I am a former tutor who met a former student in Byres Road and foolishly said, “Sounds good. Yes. I’ll buy a ticket.” ” What if it’s in Italian? Is there a half time raffle? Did the adtrailer arrive okay, C? (I’m rubbish at copy and paste)

And am I safe out on my own? Well, Missie K might have an answer to that. She saw me in Queen Street Station the other day and came over to see if I was okay. Very kind it was too. However, can I just say that what Iwas holding was actually an empty espresso cup from Costa. But a pound coin is a pound coin is a pound coin. Next time we’ll just do the coffee.

It was almost very embarrassing. You know what it’s like when you’re wearing headphones and you’re obliviously singing a song without realising it. And you know that one from Buckcherry. Yes. That one. Well it wasn’t it. But it could have been very embarrassing. It was the other one.

And I’ve got the Doctor Who Exhibition at Kelvingrove Art Galleries pencilled in for March. I was talking to one of the curators involved during the week and he tells me they’ve painted the Exhibition Area black. He says, and I quote, “It makes the area look, like, really dark.” 

And if none of this makes any sense to you, dear listener, worry not. That makes three of us. So far, so good.

As much sense as Big Al, the BBC’s Top Taste Man (great gag last night btw….) who, when asking after some of this blog’s regular personnel, wondered why Caitlin did my ironing (I have manly needs) and was my gd frnd Clr the texty one… least I think that’s what he said?

And the corner shop must be doing well for the Rainforest Riverman cos he was invited to the Brits during the week. He sells a lot of top shelf magazines. “B & Q Stacking Systems”, for example (kerching!)

He sent me a cple of txts on the night and I have the answers here: “No. Charlie Nicholas is not the vocalist with U2. He just thinks he is.” and “James Corben is not a comedian. He just thinks he is.”

And finally, dear listener, on a serious cancerly note; a basic good luck to Jade and Jack.

Plus their spinmeister, Max Clifford, came through prostate cancer treatment a few months before I did. We’re coming up to Prostate Cancer Awareness Month, so don’t just dust down last year’s blue man cancer badge. Buy a new one.

And any male members of your family fifty or over? Get them to get a simple PSA blood test once a year. It could save a life. Theirs. It’s not just an old man’s disease. I’m not an old man.

I’m handy. Try me.


Johnt850 (offering you more bang for your buck. Am I allowed to say that, Big Al?

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