This is my life and this is how it reads For every chapter, a thousand memories, A murder, a mystery where everybody bleeds A fantasy, a thriller with romance and disease

And my thanks to Son Brian for this week’s lyric selection, albeit unwittingly. I had just assumed the credit crunch was a breakfast cereal until he told me the financial facts of life and told me to listen to CDs I hadn’t played for some time. Hence, The Beautiful South. Ta. Lunch is on me….just by way of a change. How’s the writing coming along?

And that lyric! It is so much our blook (our? As in the team’s), except for the romance bit. Mmmmm. I could always make that up. 🙂 The rest is a perfect match. It’s okay. I don’t need to be told. I’ll move swiftly on. (Except to say that ours is so much better than anything written by Augusten Burroughs).

But finance is so easy, isn’t it? My bank has given me a business account with cheque card and cheque book (No. I have no money in the account) and today a letter has come in giving me an overdraft of up to £1,000 on another account. Simple correct answer to simple question, anyone, and lunch and/or coffees are definitely on me. (To a selected few, the answer is Yes. Don’t worry about the question at this stage. It’s your call and BBC Steve, you send those mails and you get a pudding)

So, Gordon Brown, don’t listen to Transformers’ leader Optimus Prime for inspiration. Printing money is what the Weimar Republic did. (No, my gd frnd Clr, I am not  that old. I did history. You didn’t. Remember?)

Instead, Gordon, read Chuck Palahniuk’s amazing book Rant (No. It is not about blogging) where the financial problems of mid-American town Middleton (it’s a made-up name, isn’t it? I’ve just realised) are solved by the Tooth Fairy leaving money in place of peoples’ molars and no-one suffers. It’s brill and so true to life.

And thanks to The Torrance One-the Vampire Slayer, from whom I had not heard for some time. Within minutes of  hearing  from her I had solved a server problem on my computer and later that day, the washing machine repairman had been and given my washing machine the kiss of life (not literally but hearing the machine at full spin did bring back a pleasant memory. Not sure how contextualised it was, tho’).

Turns out the washing machine man had had testicular cancer and had had surgery (just the one, since you ask). It was an amazing conversation, which won’t feature in our blook, altho’ maybe it could go in the chapter where I (not we, all of a sudden) talk, humourously, about the rectal scan. Mmmmmm. Romance, anyone? 

But anyway, thanks Torrance One, and best wishes to your mum (she sounds cool), and I’m still waiting for Missie K to get back to me as well.

Can I also say thanks to the Jung Wan, down on Maggie’s Farm, for a number of reasons. I’ll think about your suggestion of relaxation classes but as anyone who ever worked with me on live Outside Broadcasts knows, the last thing I need is……Shit! What was that? Sorry. I just heard a pin drop. It gave me a helluva fright.

Okay Jung Wan. I’ll be there. Will you? and that deeply incisive question you asked me? You are the only one ever to ask that particular question and get a true answer. I was seriously drunk at the time and now there is no getting away from that memory. The only other person who knows that truth is L frae Troon and she just guessed it. So far, so humble.

(So, does that mean that Superman’s Smallville isn’t a real town either?)

But on the business front I’d lunch (black coffee – we’re creatives, okay?) with the man who will probably be my website designer (how do you give a man with a pseudonym a pseudonym?) in the trendy organically vegan cafe called Stereo. Caitlin, I had no idea what to wear. I’m not used to going out in the daylight. What would you have recommended? And whilst I’m hat-tipping…Good luck Jaymi with your ideas. Enjoying’s the big thing.

But progress is being made with The Word Process. I will keep you posted, dear listeners, I promise.

(But, hang on, I live in Summerston and it’s Winter? I’m getting confused here)

However, even more thanks to the Rainforest riverman who volunteered to carry out market research for the blook in Hawaii. 27 C it says in the paper for there. Enjoy the Book Fair. Aye right. Clr, me and the rest of the team are not jealous…much. (:

I was invited to go to a football match in Inverness this weekend but declined. I’m told I would be missing a “day out equivalent to a rolling Viking Funeral”. Mmmmmm. I was tempted to go as research for my next book, “A Sober Man Follows the Thistle”. It’s a Scot Lit gag, okay? But let’s be honest. Who wants a sober man like me sitting at the table watching the cairry oot on the train fast diminishing, and all I’ve got is a can of Red Bull? Except, in a previous sober existence, I was once quite useful in bailing out some friends from Kilmarnock Sherrif Court.

(But then why is Cumbernauld so called? Well, to be honest, it’s no caulder than East Kilbride! Ker-ching! The classic build up and then the punchline. The hook. The opening sentence pulling you in. Was it worth it? You, the listener, can decide, but I think so)

And finally, I did say last week I’d take my cancer minding duties seriously so I can do no more than quote the headline from last Sunday’s News of the World; New war on killer cancer and the news that there is to be a trial studying what mix of radiotherapy and hormone therapy works best. Can I be selfish here? Mine. For me. Altho’ the hormone stuff was both depressingly horrible and horribly depressing and I was teaching at the time. So did anyone actually notice? 

However, do we always have to be reminded that prostate cancer kills 10,000 men a year? Well, maybe, yes, if it means more men, particularly those as young as me, go and get checked.

So, on that cheery note, I leave the final words to a gd frnd,  who said to me earlier this week, “that’s enough Jerry Springers for one day.”  I’ve left the source anonymous…just in case. (I have no idea what it means but then I don’t understand what the stv sports presenter meant when she said, “The revolving doors are swinging” Eh?)

cya and updates’r’good……I still see it as a 2-way street. No. No reason.



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