The fortune teller looked into my eyeballs, the wrinkles on her face about to crack. She said you best believe it, you ain’t goin’ nowhere unless you get that monkey off your back

Lyrics from Aerosmith there and my thanks to my gd frnd Clr for suggesting them, following the news that my PSA levels are going down. After all could there be a more appropriate Aerosmith lyric? What? Yeah. I like Walk This Way as well but I just felt that Monkey On My Back was more suitable.

Okay, it doesn’t mean that I’m out of the woods just yet (it doesn’t half smell in there with all those bears), and only my meeting with the cancer consultant at 0930 (BST) on Tuesday, 22nd July down at the Beatson, Area 1 Level 1 will reveal all – exclusively in Wednesday’s blog (gulp)  – but I’m still not telling anybody when or where it’s happening…..just in case.

Regular readers know what I think’s going to happen. Some of the symptoms are still there. Jaded. That’s me.

Incidentally, if you want to know all about PSA levels check out As with anything like this keep to reputable websites. That’s all I’m saying. That’s best, isn’t it, Suzy? How’s the move going?

And my serious thanks to e for coming with me when I got the results. It’s not such a bad place, is it, Maryhill Health Centre? After all, it was a nice day. All the cheap cider drinkers were further up the canal. 

Actually I’m in a bit of a musical mode this week. The Parfery person has powerfully persuaded me to put my money where my mouth is and I’ve onlined a ticket to go down to Loch Lomond in about a fortnight’s time to see Alabama 3, maybe the Dykeenies, but do I look like a Groove Armada person? or even Pete Doherty?

But Smile of the Week award. I really must make some time to go and visit the VIP Room with Hed Kandi. Seriously. Yes. I sniggered as well. Didn’t bite my lip this time, though.

The name reminds me of a place a friend of mine (cough) occasionally visited up Park Circus way in Glasgow. No. Not l’Alliance de Francais but another establishment. So I looked up Yellow Pages and I couldn’t help but notice, there, just under the listings for Saunas and Steamrooms was another listing for Sausage Speciality Shops. I kid you not.

Anyway, moving swiftly on. (That’s what broadcast journos say. Print journos make an excuse and leave)

But back to Loch Lomond. I enjoy Living on the Edge, albeit somewhat unwittingly, but I need advice. Do I head straight for the Mosh Pit, Dennis, or do I find a simple grassy knoll and watch Kennedy, sorry, just absorb the atmosphere? After all, I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing. All suggestions for a good “sober and solvent free” day out gratefully received.

And can I also welcome, as a reader, top musical columnist Emma J, a former student, who writes for and can I emphasise again I was not the middle-aged fella in the front row at the Goldfrapp concert? Honest. I’m not middle-aged.

It must be this listening to Rock Radio that’s doing it. I’m even considering buying the Guitar Hero On Tour Ds bundle from Woolworth’s Age 3+. “Oh, My God. I can’t believe it. I’ve never been this…” close to buying a games console. It’s either that or a Blackberry, son of mine. Between us we’ll kick start the economy. (Why do you need an i-phone anyway?)

But it would mean, fellow strummers, that I could sing along to the DFS ad. Sofa? So good.

Oh, and by the way, Laura F, lots of drum shops near the Art Galleries. Ask C. She’ll explain. Or her mum. (No. I haven’t a clue either. It must be the magic beans. I just write what the little voices tell me.)

Let’s just ignore the golf. Sorry syndicate members. The weather was against us. Actually let’s not. Can I just say to those (slightly dated in their attitudes to things) commentators that I am the same age as Greg Norman and if I had just married Chrissie Evert, there’d be a spring in my step as well! (As it were). Dream On, Johnt850.

Mind you, I heard some really funny golf stories the other day from an old friend of mine, Allan R, who makes his living managing floors. You’re right. If it wasn’t for corporate hospitality, the fairways would be clogged up with people actually watching the golf. Good point, caller.

My own favourite memory of being corporately entertained was a few years ago at a Scotland v Pakistan cricket match when the cricket was called off because of bad weather but the hospitality went on. Oh, happy daze.

Mind you the weather forecast was probably given by the same BBC person this week who described the weather as being “not too shabby”. I think I’d rather have “sunshine and showers”.

Still as I said to “full-time” lecturer, Kevin C, just the other day, “If there are cherries to be bit, I want first bite.” Kev did not disagree. To be honest, he never actually replied.  Academic discourse. I so miss it. That, and the football videos in Room 304, used in teaching core skills, of course.

But there are more important questions to be answered this week than my results. For example, why don’t vampires shave? C’mon, Torrance One – the Vampire Slayer. Do you know the answer? In a week of sensational revelations, check out High Times on stv this Thursday night for the answer. Even the title makes me smile, but not enough to bite my lip.

And finally, my thanks to C for suggesting today’s Quiz (We’ll call it fifteen-all in the High Horse Stakes, shall we? I can afford to be generous. Trust me. I’m not a doctor.) You did notice the Quiz, didn’t you, readers? How many Aerosmith titles are in today’s blog? Don’t worry Emma J. I’m not usually that big on quizzes. The answer, up to this point, is five.

And not one of the Aerosmith tracks used was Love In An Elevator. Going down, anyone?



3 Responses to “The fortune teller looked into my eyeballs, the wrinkles on her face about to crack. She said you best believe it, you ain’t goin’ nowhere unless you get that monkey off your back”

  1. Dennis Kelly Says:

    John – many thanks for the mention. I don’t understand a word of it and there isn’t a band’s name I recognise apart from Aerosmith, but it’s very nice to be remembered. Glad to hear about the PSA levels coming down – had a couple of tests myself this year so I know what you’re on about I thiink. So you’re heading for Loch Lomond, and at your age too. My days of using portable toilets are long over I hope, although as I am writing this on a train I suppose I will be using a portable toilet within the next thirty minutes. There’s nothing like suing the toilet at a 100 mph. Take care my friend and speak soon.

  2. Johnt850 Says:

    I hadn’t actually considered the toilet question! Still I noticed Ian Poulter just popped into the bushes the other day. The camera just moved swiftly on. But ta for good wishes.

  3. Gary 'The Priesty Punter' Says:

    Best of luck John be thinking of you! Sorry for the terrible Open tip last week, the last few holes on the Thursday put paid to his chances.

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